Havilah's Newborn Photos (and so much more)

Well, my girl is coming up on four months old.... I'd say it's about time to share her newborn pictures, eh? The first ones of just her I took when she was a few days old, the ones of our whole family a fellow photographer, AshleyRae Photography did for us in her new studio when Havilah was four weeks old. 

There has been so much I want to remember these last three and a half months and less time than ever to write. The beginning was hard, so so hard. It was the best. The newborn season always is... But it was the best in a swirling mixture of emotion that was very difficult for me to process or navigate. I felt everything to the extreme. Happiness to the extreme, anger to the extreme, affection, overwhelmed-ness, thankfulness, inadequacy, exhaustion, tenderness, more thankfulness... I reminded myself over and over to extend grace, not only to my three energetic boys, but to myself. I was sleep deprived yes, but waking in the night with Havilah felt like a gift. She slept in my bed in my arms for the first 6 weeks, and whenever she would begin rooting the two of us would get up and I would pad softly down the hallway, a sleepy bundle in my arms, the lamp I left on in the nursery glowing through the crack in the door to meet us. I'd gently unswaddle her and begin to change her diaper and her little arms would go up in a stretch as her sweet almond eyes would open one at a time. She would wake fully and be so bright eyed and bushy tailed by the time the diaper change was done that I couldn't help but giggle. I think the memory that stands out the most from those night time nursery feedings is giggling over the adorable newborn faces she would make... We'd tuck ourselves into the cordouroy rocking chair with handmade blankets and quilts and she would nurse for a good solid hour before we'd return to bed. I would re swaddle her during the break in the middle of her feeding and she'd be sleeping like a little cherub again by the end. Waking in the morning and dressing her for the day felt like I'd always imagined as a little girl playing with dolls. The drawers full of sweet, ruffly, flowery, girly things that I'd collected for her came to life as I slipped them onto her tiny body. My real life doll. *sigh* cue all the happy feelings *

I held her or wore her almost constantly. I tried to give Jaden all the extra attention I possibly could because it's always tough for the baby to lose their place to a new baby. That made me emotional for him. All three of my boys fell in love. This sweet tenderness came to life in them as they would gently hold her, touch her velvety hair, run to get her nuk or burp cloth or swaddler for me... They adored her. Still do. 

I think somewhere around the time when she was about 4 or 5 weeks old I went to the mall with my mom. And that was really the first I felt human again. I'd been going to church and family dinners, but not in a confident state of motherhood up until then. I felt kind of like a mole coming out into the sunshine for the first time in ages, squinting and blinking and rubbing my eyes but feeling so thankful for the warmth of the sun, and glad to know it still existed. I don't like to rush that unhurried season of transition and creating a new normal... ever. But it is a great feeling to begin to feel like a contributing member of society again. Or at the very least, to feel like a confident mother. 

When she was about seven weeks old I left the nursery lamp on for the last time in the night. I knew we likely wouldn't use it that night, as she'd begun to just nurse in bed the past few nights before it, but I couldn't bring myself to leave it off just yet, without taking a moment to acknowledge it as the "last time." You see, for me, the end of nursery night time feedings has usually coincided with the beginning of the end of the undefinable "newborn stage." And so while sleeping in my own bed all night, transitioning her from my arms to the bassinet beside me, and nursing in the dark when I barely have to wake to feed her is all a wonderful relief to my tired body, it is a terrible sadness to my heart not to watch her wake in the lamplight, just the two of us, me awake enough to fully notice those soft suckles and grunts while she fills her tummy... it is always so hard to leave that stage behind. 

And so what has changed now that she is definitely no longer a newborn? Well, her hair is lighter and fuzzier. Her bobbing little head and neck are growing stronger and stronger. Her curled lashes are longer than ever, and she weighed 15 lbs last time I checked, when she was just under 3 months old. She has already outgrown her handful of 0-3 month clothing and plowing right through the 3-6 month stockpile. Life has found its new rhythm, although it's been chaotic and I feel like I'm chasing the day most times. Shaun and I were just strategizing last night about how to become more proactive and less reactive as parents, particularly in our bedtime routine. Worship music and one on one time are going to be implemented as of tonight and I'm excited to see what that does to help. Drew is doing better in kindergarten than I ever could have hoped and I am so proud of him. 

Isaiah revealed to me that he can phonetically sound out words and READ as of this morning.... He is four and hasn't even gone to preschool yet!! Jaden is more adorable than ever, but also going through some of the typical two year old stuff, testing the limits and boundaries, We're praying and working extra hard with him right now. Tball is in full swing. So many hilarious and wonderful memories have been made already and I love our team. Shaun is coaching and I've been so proud of him. 

But I've also learned that we don't thrive in hurried, overly full schedules. We need breathing room, and I want to do my best to protect that in the future, although I know things will only get busier from here as they get older and want to be involved in more. It's going to take intentionality I'm sure. My sister had her baby on Saturday and officially joined me in motherhood, and I've fallen in love with her baby girl although I have to wait until mid June to go and see her.

And beyond all of that, God has taught me more about the power of thankfulness and trust in this last season than I'd learned in all my life up to now. I could write entire posts on both of those topics if I could find the time. 

Last thought... When you have a child, time goes into some kind of strange warp where it moves both excruciatingly slowly and entirely too fast all at the same time because you are no longer measuring it by hours and years..... but by the life of a tiny human who now holds your heart in their hands. 

Havilah's Birth Story

 

My baby girl is four weeks old as of 6:22 a.m. this morning. Amazing how fast the weeks pass once they are born, but how slow they go while you are still pregnant.

Her birth story really starts about a week before she was born. I had been having contractions for weeks, and was already 4 cm dilated at 38 weeks. If you have read Jaden's birth story, you know I took castor oil with him, and that it couldn't have gone any better. Hoping for the same experience this time around, I had been planning on taking castor oil at 39 weeks (on January 15th) for quite a long time. The week leading up to that date though sickness hit our house hard, Shaun missed work and was in bed with a fever, and then Isaiah caught the same thing. I remember while Shaun was sick being so scared I was going into labor and he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital. I was drained completely by the time Thursday the 14th rolled around, and I was unsure whether to take the castor oil the next day or not. I prayed about it and felt like if Isaiah woke up without a fever I would go ahead and take it. When we woke up Friday Isaiah's fever was gone, so I started hydrating and had drank a half gallon of water by 12:30. I took the castor oil shortly after, and just as I took it I felt like God said to me "Her birth story is going to be uniquely her own." Within two hrs I was showing signs that the castor oil was taking effect, so I called Shaun and asked him to come home from work. My contractions started out about 6 minutes apart, and gradually went to about 3 minutes apart. Shaun's mom was in the area anyway so she came over to play with my boys while I labored. I didn't feel like the contractions were quite as strong as they were with Jaden, but they were so close, and I was delivering with a family dr who would have to drive to the hospital to meet me whenever I came in, so I called the dr's office just to give them a head's up that this could be the beginning. I didn't expect them to tell me to come in right away, and I didn't want to go yet. But the communication between the dr. and I was all done through a nurse, and the dr was already on her way in under the impression that I was too. Very reluctantly, we left to go into triage. By that time my father in law was at our house, and my mom had come too, since the plan was to have her spend the night with our boys. I knew they were in good hands but I just wasn't ready to go in. The closer we got to the hospital though the stronger the contractions were getting. We had to pull over at a Wendy's for me to pee because I was in so much pain each time a contraction came and a full bladder was making it even more unbearable. When we were checked into triage and they finally checked me around quarter of seven I hadn't progressed at all past 4 cm. I knew right then that the castor oil wasn't going to work this time and all I wanted was to go home and get in my own bed. They told me that she hadn't dropped yet, and because her head wasn't putting any pressure on my cervix the contractions weren't doing anything. (So many people had told me I had "definitely dropped" in the weeks leading up to this.... I tried to politely smile, but if I heard it one more time I might have had a totally un-called for screaming breakdown, because I knew she hadn't, and you know how it is... the last stretch of pregnancy you could lose it over any little thing someone comments on your body/baby/weight/size/posture/how high/low your belly looks/why haven't you had the baby yet?/are you sure it's not twins/i was never as large as you when I was pregnant/but she's due before you, and I'm pretty sure your belly is bigger than hers, etc etc.....) Anyway, I digress. To look at the positive side, when they finally discharged me from triage I was starving, and on the way home we stopped at Wasabi, at 9:30 p.m., and I finally got the red curry I had been craving for weeks and weeks. Last craving satisfied = always a good thing. By 10:00 we were home and I was eating red curry over rice and my contractions had spaced out to 10 to 15 minutes apart, and my mom went back home for the night. The next morning waking up was the strangest feeling... I cooked the bacon and toasted the english muffins and poured the orange juice my mom had brought to feed my boys for breakfast assuming I would be in the hospital with a new baby girl in my arms... but here I was at home and baby girl was still in my belly. As each day passed it felt like I was getting farther away from my due date instead of closer. I knew I couldn't stay pregnant forever, but I just wondered what was ever going to happen or change to suddenly be "the time" and for her to come. There was so much grace though, and I chose to look at each day still pregnant as a gift. I went to get a pedicure and out to lunch with the girls on Shaun's side of the family monday. Tuesday I went out to lunch with my mom. Wednesday I rested as much as I could and I can't remember what else I did. Thursday I went grocery shopping just me and my mom, and I think I seriously hobbled around the store hanging on to the cart to try to walk normal. And to add to the drama, as each day passed a forecasted blizzard got closer and closer, predicted to begin the evening of my actual due date, January 22nd. As you can imagine, almost everyone that saw me either predicted I would go into labor during the blizzard, or talked about how scared I must be of that happening... While at the store thursday morning we were trying to order a cake for my sister's baby shower, and even the cake lady looked at me with wide eyes and asked when I was due... I said "Tomorrow," and tried to smile and brush it off. She kept persisting with "well what are you going to do if it happens during the storm?" and I said we'd call an ambulance to which she implied that they probably wouldn't be able to get to me... and I began to wonder what the point of this conversation with a complete stranger was... In reality we had researched and printed information on what to do if your baby comes at home, and there was a couple in our neighborhood who had their last baby at home and we would call them, and obviously would call 911 for an ambulance if they could get to us... I have more anxiety looking back now at what it would have been like if any of that had happened than I did in the actual midst of it. God protected my mind with such peace... I knew the timing was in His hands for when our baby girl would come.

Going to bed Thursday night, with my due date and the snow both the next day-almost like they were competing to see which would come first-felt pretty surreal. We talked about the option of taking castor oil again in the morning and hoping it would put me into labor before the snow started. But I just couldn't commit to it... I had sealed in my mind pretty hard that she was going to surprise us and come when she was ready at that point. But I just remember praying... "God, please do something" as I fell asleep... and the way Shaun said goodnight to me, with this excited anticipation, like he knew we were about to meet her. I fell asleep at 11:00. After one hour of sleep, and just after midnight, on her due date, I woke up with a REALLY hard contraction. The intensity that had been lacking the week before was certainly not lacking now. I fell back asleep. A little bit went by and I woke up with another one. After breathing through, I fell asleep again. A fourth one started. At that point I knew I should start timing them. After two or three more I could see the pattern... 5 to 6 minutes apart. I tried to wake Shaun up, and at first couldn't get him awake. I tried to go back to sleep. After another contraction I knew I needed to wake him up. I finally got him awake enough to tell him I thought I was in labor. He was still pretty drowsy, and didn't respond much... until the next contraction started and he heard me breathing through it, at which point he jumped out of bed like a firefighter, turned on all the lights and started throwing his clothes on. I told him to turn the lights off and get back in bed until I was ready to go. Thankfully he didn't listen to me. I debated on whether to call my mom until the next contraction started, at which point I knew things were going fast because of the intensity. I called her and said "Mom, I think I'm in labor." And she hung up on me. I said to Shaun that she hung up on me, but I guessed that meant she was coming. By this point it was about 2:00 in the morning. I managed to get clothes on, the pants were almost impossible, and went to the bathroom to try to get my contacts in before another contraction started. (By that point when they started I would drop down on my knees to try to get through it) In the middle of putting my second contact in another started, and I tried to hold onto the sink to stay standing... In the middle of it my water broke, all over those pants I had just worked so hard to put on.

I got my second contact in, and went down the stairs as fast as I could before another one started, because my next thought was food. I was exhausted and hungry already and knew I should eat something on the way in. I also knew that Shaun has almost passed out during my past labors/deliveries multiple times, so I thought I should get something for him too. With my eyes on the prize of the clementines in the fruit bowl in the far corner of the kitchen, I managed to grab two and had come almost all the way back around the counter when the next contraction hit. I dropped down on my knees and the clementines rolled out of my hands while my focus went to breathing. My mom came in just then, and I whispered, "I can't walk," then started my breathing. Shaun came in from starting the truck to warm up, came around the corner, saw me on the floor and said "WHAT'S HAPPENING??" My mom said "She can't walk." Shaun said "WHY CAN'T SHE WALK?!???!!!" All the while I'm thinking "I'm in labor you idiots of course I can't walk.... SOMEBODY RESCUE THE CLEMENTINES!!" Like reading my mind, I saw my mom hand Shaun the clementines, and I breathed a mental sigh of relief.... The clementines were safe. When that contraction ended I got out to the truck as fast as I could. On the way to the hospital the contractions were still just as intense and regular, but I was able to stay in control. I never did remember that clementine though...

Once we pulled up outside the hospital I hung onto Shaun's arm and felt like I didn't know if I could make it across the parking lot... Then hung onto the receptionist desk breathing through contractions and wondering if I could make it to triage.... finally in triage... once they checked me I found out I was 8 cm. That was around 3 a.m. They took my straight to labor and delivery. Then they started my I.V. Curse that darn I.V.... whenever they start one in the midst of my labor my contractions space way out and get much less intense and it all takes way longer. When the I.V. was finally done I used the birthing ball for awhile, then I got in the jacuzzi tub and kept laboring on my knees as much as I could. I kept waiting for that moment when she would all the sudden drop completely and I would know it was time to push. She felt SO SO low and the contractions were even harder than before, but that moment just wasn't coming... The hours were going by and I was so, so, so tired... absolutely exhausted. I got back in bed around 5:00 a.m. and remembered a conversation Shaun and I had about her coming at 6:30... (our boys were born approx (9:30, 12:30 and 3:30, and we had joked that we just needed a 6:30 baby) I wondered why we had said that and thought I surely couldn't make it like this until 6:30. All during this time Shaun kept feeling faint and having to step out of the room and come back in... I kept telling him to eat the clementine we brought... I vaguely remember seeing him searching for it in the hospital bag and asking me where it was... I never could communicate to him that HE had brought it with us so HE should know where it was... you know, being in labor and all communication is not necessarily at it's strongest. Finally the dr checked me and I was just stuck at 9 cm. She checked again later and realized that I had a second membrane... Basically two water sacs, the first had broken on its own and the second was still intact. Apparently rare but not abnormal. Once she broke the second membrane I finally finished dilating. But that didn't go quite textbook either, as I dilated to 10 everywhere except one edge of my cervix. By that point I felt baby girl SOOOOO low and felt like I needed to push but couldn't, and she wasn't able to get past that point that hadn't dilated yet. I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I could feel myself going in and out of being in control and being out of control of my pain, and the more tired I got the more out of control I felt. Finally the dr said she could try to hold that one edge over during my next contraction and I could try to push her head past. Holy craziest-pain-I-think-I-have-ever-felt. Somehow I did it, and then proceeded to work harder than I had ever had to in the past for every millimeter she budged. They kept telling me to put my chin to my chest while I pushed, but I couldn't hold my head up so Shaun was holding it up for me. My contractions at that point were lasting twice as long as normal, a full two minutes, so instead of pushing 3-4 times with each contraction I was pushing 8 or more times, holding my breath for 10 seconds at a time, and feeling like I was going to pass out, sometimes just hearing myself screaming land feeling like I was listening to someone else. I remember getting to this point where I thought I might die. I mean, I knew I wouldn't, but I just felt like I couldn't get her out, but I knew I had to, and we were just stuck in this place of horrible pain that I couldn't get us out of. Praise the Lord I somehow found that place of control again just at the end and was able to give it everything I had to finally get her all the way out. It was 6:22 a.m. Total pushing time was 17 minutes, but after no sleep and no food and no pain meds it felt so much longer.

They put her on my chest and the weight of her on me and the realization that it was over were the best feeling in the WHOLE. WORLD. Our sweet Havilah Grace was here. Our family felt complete.

After a full hour of skin to skin with her, letting her nurse right away, and getting to look into her beautiful eyes that I had been dreaming of for so long, they took her to weigh her. ( 9 lbs, 8 oz, 21 inches long.) Then Shaun got to hold her for the first time. What a beautiful moment. Once we were all cleaned up and settled in our couplet care room, and once the ability to communicate had again come back to me,  I asked Shaun if he was feeling ok now and why he'd never just eaten the clementine. He asked me what clementine I was talking about and I said "the ones that had rolled out of my hands in the kitchen that my mom picked up and handed you and you brought with us." He said "Those? I put them back in the fruit bowl before we left..." Wow....

By about 10:30 or 11:00 Shaun's parents brought the boys up and I will never forget their faces as they came into the room to meet their baby sister. Drew had on his shy face trying not to smile, Isaiah had wide eyes trying to catch his first glimpse of her, and Jaden was just smiling so cutely :) That afternoon was such a sweet time... All four of them were in bed with me at one point, and I was just loving our first interactions as a family of six. The snow started around 5:30 that evening and Shaun left to take Drew Isaiah and Jaden home before it got bad. After hugs and kisses goodbye, knowing I wouldn't see them again until the roads were clear enough for Shaun to come back and get us to take us home, I listened to their little voices fading down the hallway and I sobbed. The room was so quiet. When I got it together again I turned on worship music and snuggled Havilah close, and we watched the snow come down. The whole next day was such precious time soaking in all the time with her. Just us two girls. All their was to do was cuddle and nurse and nap, repeat. She was so beautiful. So perfect. I couldn't get enough of her. Sunday Shaun was able to dig out enough to get to the hospital by the afternoon to take us home. I could not believe all the snow on our drive. Our boys were ECSTATIC to have their baby sister here. And it has been a beautiful chaos of sleep deprived LOVE these last four weeks. I don't quite know how to describe it other than that. It has been so good, and so hard, and so stretching, and so wonderful that I'd never leave this stage if I didn't have to. Even in the hardness... I don't want to just get through it, I want to learn to do this season well. I just love them all so much, and having four babies has filled my heart more full than I knew it could be.

Introducing our baby girl!

“Giving birth and being born brings us into the essence of creation, where the human spirit is courageous and bold and the body, a miracle of wisdom.”

We are SO excited to introduce our baby girl!!! Welcome to our family sweet

Havilah Grace Kauffman: 

9 lbs 8 oz. 

21 inches 

Dark wavy hair. The cutest neck rolls. Favoring different features of us all. 

She began to let me know she was on her way a little after midnight last night. By 6:22 am she was here, transforming my heart just by nestling into my arms. And she came before the snow. Oh bless her for that. Her brothers just met her and adore her already. We are so beyond grateful. 

About her name: 
We absolutely love her name. It is mentioned in Genesis as a land rich in gold, and is Hebrew in origin. To me, it just sounds feminine and soft and gentle and beautiful. I love to say it, I love to hear it. We call her Havi for short. Jaden calls her Lala. Shaun chose Grace as her middle name, and I love the classic, beautiful, timeless feel it gives to her name, not to mention that the meaning of grace is pretty spectacular in itself. 
So the complete meaning is golden eloquence or beauty of form, kindness, mercy or favor. 

Sweet Havilah Grace we are SO glad you are here!!!!! 

38 week update

"Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch." - E.B. White, Charlotte's Web 

Here I am. 38 weeks, sitting in my girl's completed nursery as the sun rises this morning with too much filling my mind (and body) to sleep any longer.

Sleep is hard lately because of round ligament pain and contractions and having to pee every hour anyway. Add to that the anticipation of meeting my little girl and... yeah. I am awake quite a lot. So I tucked myself into the rocking chair with a blanket and a bag of trail mix (my latest craving besides carrots) and a glass of water to write until my boys wake up.

I've entered that phase of pregnancy where I begin to feel like a ticking time bomb. This being the fourth time around I feel very chill about the whole thing, instead of confused and frustrated like I did the first time. The way I go into labor is a pretty long and drawn out process, but I've come to expect that now. Timeable contractions anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes apart for days and days and days. And while they are uncomfortable, and sometimes hard enough that I need to close my eyes and stop what I'm doing to sit down and breathe through them, they are not the intensity of real labor contractions, and they are all moving me along slowly but surely, so that by the time I do go into "real labor" I don't have far to go. I was 1 cm at 34 weeks, 3 cm a week ago. My next appt is tuesday, and I imagine I will be at least 4 by then. I have been 4 or more by the time I have gone into labor with all of my babies. Half way there to start is worth all this crazy build up to me. So instead of timing contractions and feeling the pain only to have them spread back out again feels normal to me, not frustrating anymore. Besides the contractions and slow progress, my body has shown me other signs that I am preparing and labor is close (like within a week or so away). EEEE!!!!!! Last night I got to go on a much anticipated,  last pre-baby date with Shaun, and I loved it. I did get a little scared while we were out because my contractions became consistently 5-7 minutes apart all through dinner and were a bit harder than usual. We hadn't put any of our hospital bags in the car before we left, and I couldn't imagine going back for any of them before driving to the hospital... I feel like labor might be pretty quick this time. (I've already researched what to do in case you accidentally have your baby at home- hopefully that is not the case).

I wear pretty much the same leggings and t-shirt almost every day now, and I've spent the past week nesting hardcore. Monday I set out with Isaiah and Jaden and ran errands from 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. It was freezing that day, so every stop required not just the usual car seat bucklings and unbucklings, but also the putting on and taking off , the zipping and unzipping of heavy winter coats. As we were leaving our first stop Jaden had just bundled up and tucked his little hands into his pockets to go out into the cold. He turned toward me and began to run and said "Wait, me, Mommy!" And as he started to run he tripped and because his hands were buried in his pockets he fell flat on his face and got the worst bloody lip... I felt so bad for him, sweet boy, and carried him back to the car with him bleeding and crying on my shoulder. That first stop was the hardest, because it had involved city parallel parking and meter paying and the bloody lip. After the bloody lip was cleaned up and Jaden was ok again we went to Michael's for yarn to finish baby girls blanket that I've been working on for months, then the mall to exchange wrong-size Christmas gifts, then the gap outlet to exchange Isaiah's Christmas pajamas that he didn't like and refused to wear because "they looked like paint ball clothes" to him... He picked out race car pajamas instead. Then to goodwill to drop off donations, then chic-fila for lunch (hallelujiah chorus, also, Jaden calls it Chicken fway and it is adorable) Then to my dr appointment. Then to target. Then to the West Elm outlet. And then finally, finally home. I was exhausted but had gotten pretty much every errand checked off my list. Tuesday I spent the morning undecorating from Christmas. Then I finished her blanket, and we had family dinner with Shaun's family like we do every week. Wednesday my mom came over and, bless her, cleaned both of our upstairs bathrooms while I vaccuumed and dusted and straightened all our bedrooms. That night Shaun and I made dinner together and made two of our family's favorite casserole (chicken divan) so we could add another meal to the freezer. Thursday I spent sweeping and rearranging furniture in our downstairs so we had space to set up our pack and play again. I also changed out the linens on our bed and washed everything, folded and put away a bunch of laundry and did some kitchen organization. That night I had my hair appointment (another thing I was hoping to squeeze in before she came) Friday I spent all day just being with my boys. Drew doesn't have school on Fridays, so I got to be with all three of them. We only had one, close by errand to run, and besides that we played and snuggled and I rested on the sofa and we had a picnic lunch in the living room watching the Lorax, with clementine Izzes to drink. I made a roast chicken with carrots and potatoes for dinner. The day had started off with Isaiah trying to climb the curtains that hang over our back sliding door, and snapping the curtain rod pieces in half. Enter nesting eye twitch here. So Shaun brought home a new rod and while dinner finished roasting he drilled holes that sprayed drywall dust onto the freshly swept floors, but he got that curtain rod fixed and the curtains hung back up, and I swept up that enemy drywall dust asap, and the nesting nightmare was averted. Phew. Saturday was more nesting, I finished cleaning her car seat base, and we took the rest of the Christmas boxes to the attic, and I polished the fridge and trash can and water filter system and the inside of the microwave and hung the last piece of art in her room. (I'm not sure why I need a clean trash can and microwave to bring home a newborn, but I just do.... every time. And I am not very fond of cleaning the microwave.) Then it was time for date night :)

And p.s., also during the nesting phase, during the week between christmas and new years shaun built this hutch for our baby girl and the boys all helped paint it. 

Now this morning I think we are going to just have church as a family here at home before we go to my parents' for lunch. I imagine today will be a day where I try to just rest. I'm making an effort to mix days like that into the bunch. I don't know what I will do all week next week since I already did most everything I needed to before she comes this past week, but I'm sure I'll find new things to clean and organize. :)

There have been multiple times in the last couple of weeks where I suddenly realize how close I am to meeting her and holding her for the first time. And it brings me to tears to think about looking into her eyes and beginning to know who she is. I was telling Shaun how it feels like there is this whole deep, unique well of love that is specific to each of our boys in my heart. Depending on which one I am relating to or thinking about they tap into a place that is all their own inside of me that is just overflowing with adoration and emotion and love for exactly who they are. And I can feel that deep place forming and filling for our daughter already, the intense love and affection I feel for her that is about to be tapped into for the first time as she adds her own presence and personality and life into it. I seriously can not wait to hold her and kiss her and begin to pour this love out on her. And to see each of my boys and my husband do the same... We are all feeling so much anticipation for her to join our family.

33 Week Pregnancy Update

So here I am... 33 weeks tomorrow. In so many ways this pregnancy has flown by. I didn't stop throwing up until 20 weeks (although it slowed down majorly after 15 weeks...) and the intense ligament and hip pain didn't start until October. So I would say September was the golden month of this pregnancy so far. 

So I've never just answered a list of pregnancy questions before, but it's seems the easiest way to document where I'm currently at. So here it goes. :) 

How far along: 33 weeks

Weight Gain: 30 lbs. - and I guess I'll use this question to say that because of my history of big babies my doctors are always very concerned that I might have gestational diabetes. I on the other hand, am not concerned at all. Shaun was 10 lbs 1 oz, I was 9 lbs 15 oz. I think it might be genetically impossible for me to have tiny babies. Anyway, I took the 1 hr glucose test several weeks late this time, and it was 2 over the limit (which is a common occurrence if you take the test later in pregnancy). So they recommended I have the 3 hr test done. But instead of taking the 3 hr test or pricking my finger after every meal, I am choosing to eat the gestational diabetic diet to appease my dr (and because it's just a healthy way to eat in general and won't hurt me and might help baby girl be smaller) so since going pretty hardcore on this about a month ago I started losing weight and am currently weighing less than I did at 28 weeks pregnant. I'm not concerned about my weight at all, I've ended all three of my previous pregnancies within 2 or 3 pounds of each other regardless of my starting weight and am on course to end around the same place this time too. But it feels good to know that my efforts (and sugar deprivation, especially this time of year) are making a difference. I DID have apple pie on Thanksgiving. And oh my was it good. I hard boil eggs and cook lots of chicken all at once for the week ahead to have proteins on hand and all ready, and I eat smaller amounts of carbs consistently through the day and always with a protein. It is taking a lot of self-control. 

Food Cravings: Seems an appropriate place to go from there... My biggest craving is Red Curry Chicken. (Specifically from Wasabi.) And my other craving.... a warm, fudge brownie topped with melty peppermint ice cream.... I WILL pick a special day to have this, but I am waiting until I can wait no longer... :) Also, as in my last three pregnancies carrots and apples are so, so appealing. There is just nothing like the sweet, crunchy, earthy taste of carrots right now... mmm :) And I like milk more than usual. 

Sleep: Really, really rough. Usually awake for a while between 4 and 6 am every night. Baby girl is awake with me then too. Lots of right hip pain. Sometimes wake up in so much pain from my round ligament that I can't move and Shaun has to come cradle me in his arms and lift me to a sitting position. 

Miss anything?: Hugging my husband straight on, instead of from the side. 

Any signs of labor: Lots and lots and lots of contractions. 

Movement: SO much. she is always very active in the morning when i wake up and at night right before bed. And then all day long too, haha. I've been able to see her pushing and stretching from the outside since about 24 weeks. 

Looking forward to: Christmas and doing something special with the boys before baby comes. And finishing the nursery. :) 

Best moment of the week: They all involve the sweet sensitivity of my boys to me during this time... Jaden can tell if I'm in pain and looks at me and gives me kisses and says "orry mommy..." (sorry mommy). Drew will try to help me up if I'm sitting on the ground. Isaiah could tell I was in pain getting out of the van the other day and when I was unbuckling him from his car seat he said, "I can help you carry something, Mommy." And took the coats from my arms and carried them inside for me. They are so perceptive and so kind. I couldn't ask for three better little caretakers. Besides that, decorating our Christmas tree last weekend was absolutely magical because our boys are so very into everything this year. I loved watching their excitement to see the ornaments they remembered again, and the way Jaden hung every candy cane I gave him on the same branch. 

So there we go. Pregnancy with baby girl at 33 weeks. :) 

ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!!!!!!

This is no exceptional, staged and planned out photo shoot announcement, so please don't be expecting that. This is us, real joy, real smiles, on our back porch with the ultrasound pictures in the middle of a downpour this afternoon. 

 I love the two photos below... Drew and Isaiah giving thumbs up, Jaden trying to figure out what they're doing, then in the next picture Jaden's got his pointer finger raised. :) 

 And in the next photo, they are holding rainy pink flowers from the flower bed in our backyard, because....

THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE SISTER. 

:)

 Drew took these of me. 

My joy is obvious, I think.

I seriously had butterflies all afternoon.

 I love Jaden's little hand reaching up and touching my belly in the one below. :) 

 And when Daddy got home from work we took a few more photos in the dark. 

So guys... I can't even explain how I feel right now. 

In order to try I need to back up a little first. 

I had a REALLY strong inkling this baby was a girl from about 6 or 7 weeks on. Then at 15 weeks, we had an ultrasound. It was unofficial, (I was a volunteer for a tech to "practice" on) and it was still early to try to find out. We were about 80% sure it was a girl. I mean, when it's a boy, you pretty much know that you know. When it's a girl, you're afraid you just might not be seeing something. So with that 80% sure percentage, we told our families and a few friends. But I didn't want to announce publicly until we had a 100% answer. And that came this afternoon. After today's ultrasound, there is no doubt in my mind. Our sweet little one is a baby girl. (eeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And I am ecstatic. Seriously. It hasn't even fully sunk in yet. I am going to learn to crochet an infinity scarf with some friends soon, and one of them told me she is going to make a smaller one for her daughter. And oh. my. gosh. I can make my daughter a little infinity scarf too!! AHHH!!! A whole new (slightly scary) and very girly world is opening up here. !!!!

Now I feel the need to stop and say some things here. There are too many people out there that think the only reason we had a fourth child is because we were "trying for a girl." Both Shaun and I have talked to each other numerous times before about how we would love to experience parenting a daughter, and the unique relationship that would be. But I just can't bare anyone to think that we were somehow less than happy with having three boys first. Having three boys, and being an all boy mom has been the greatest joy of my life. I want to cry when I say that because I mean it from the depths of my heart. Each child that has been born into our family has been amazing, perfect, and we've fallen head over heels in love with them regardless of whether they were a boy or a girl. We were not and have never been disappointed that our first, second and third baby were all boys. I can't imagine our family being set up any other way than having Drew Isaiah and Jaden first. And if this baby would have also been a boy we would have been just as excited for that little life too. I honestly had a little moment after the 15 week ultrasound where I felt a slight sense of mourning for the identity I was losing as a mom of all boys, and I never expected that. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand someone thinking that I would only be excited if this baby was a girl and not a boy. However, if I never would have had a daughter, there would always have been a place in my heart that would have wondered what it would be like to have a baby girl. What would our daughter look like? What kind of personality would she have? Would she be a tomboy with three big brothers or even more girly because she was the only girl? And it feels so sweet and amazing and perfect and like such a gift from heaven that this time around we will get to experience this newness. The deep love I feel for my daughter is pretty overwhelming to me. And scary too. Because I knew what I was doing as a mom of boys. And I have no clue how to be a mom to a girl yet. But I am so excited to learn with her. To never have to cut her curls short (if she has them, or maybe her hair will be straight like Drew's). To build a relationship with my baby that I can teach her how to be a woman who loves the Lord, to one day advise her on marriage, to dress her in cuteness and especially to see the sweetness of the daddy-daughter bond she develops with Shaun. It is all just flooding my heart (and my eyes) right now as I type... I feel like I can finally let my guard down and embrace this whole heartedly without reservation of losing the chance to be a mother to a little girl. My heart has always desired to be a mommy, from such an early stage. And to know the full spectrum, from mothering baby boys to mothering a baby girl, is just more of a blessing than I can possibly put into words. 

I felt like the Lord told me she is going to be like the wind. That she will bring change, that she will be incredibly in tune with the Holy Spirit, and that she will be refreshing. I feel like she has so much to teach me. I am so humbled and grateful to be chosen as this baby girl's mommy, and I can't wait to know her more. To see her sweet face for the first time, to cradle her close, to have a newborn in our home again... she has already carved her own place in my heart and I just feel so in awe of her. 

So there... lots of uncensored emotion spilling out in this post.  It is so cool to discover the little people who God has created just for your family. I have loved every second of this journey, and I can't wait to start preparing for this sweet baby girl to join us in January. Thanks for celebrating with us!

xoxo