Sunday, November 24, 2013

Lord, I need you

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

 Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

 Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

 So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
We sang this in worship this morning at church and I just spread my arms wide and closed my eyes and felt the tears under my eyelids as I soaked in this awesome, wonderful truth. I need Him. Oh how I need Him. Every hour I need him.
Lately I've been struggling with comparing myself to others, feeling like I don't measure up, or that I'm not as good, or that I'm falling behind and then falling asleep thinking of all the things I could have done differently that day, all the ways I could have been a more loving mother, or had a cleaner home, or how could I be a better photographer, or a better friend, or wife, or daughter, or sister, or for goodness sake at least tried to look half presentable and like I hadn't just crawled out of bed all day.... Basically coming to the close of the day and feeling like I had failed.
The problem with my thinking mainly lay in the fact that I was trying to figure out how I could do better the next day. How could I think differently, or reign in my emotions more, or pretend like I wasn't exhausted and ready to scream when I was barely hanging on by a thread... As if I, in my own  human weakness, could solve it. All on my own. And the truth is I CAN'T.
I can't do anything to make myself do or be or think better without HIM. My one defense, my righteousness. And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on Him. Holiness is Christ in me. All those beautiful lines. Reminding me that the failure I see is me-apart from Him. And any chance at righteousness or holiness or grace is solely because of Him. I cannot make me better. But if every hour, every minute, every second I need Him, I rely on Him, fall on Him, rest in Him, that's the only way. Somehow realizing that I am a sinful failure apart from Him was incredibly freeing, because of the fact that I have chosen NOT to spend my life apart from Him, and therefore I know that he can heal me, transform me, rescue me, and redeem me even on my very worst, most exhausted failures of days.
I am saved by grace.
 He loved me first.
Christ in me is my hope of glory.
It is nothing I do on my own.
Thank you Jesus.
You are my hope and stay. 

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