The gift this pregnancy has given me

I've been learning something through this pregnancy that I didn't learn through my first three.

I can choose joy despite how I feel.

In my past pregnancies, when I was so sick, I let the misery of what my body was feeling invade all of me. I just couldn't separate the sickness inside from how I expressed myself. It felt dishonest to smile when I wanted to cry. I was always excited when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed and contended for each baby that I've carried, but when I was in the throes of first trimester sickness I basically curled up into a ball on the sofa, focused on the way I felt, and probably didn't smile much for those first few months. I just tried to get through it, thinking I would express my excitement over the pregnancy when I was feeling better.

This time has been different. It doesn't matter if people understand how awful I feel just by looking at my facial expressions. Sometimes I truly can't hide it, but if I can focus on something other than the nausea it helps so much. If I can worship, if I can smile anyway, if I can say something loving to my husband, hug my babies, rest my hand on my abdomen and thank the Lord for the wondrous miracle taking place inside me. The joy that comes from those simple expressions is more real than my sickness. The joy that comes from taking my focus off the sickness and placing it on all that is good then begins to invade and overtake the misery. And I find that the honesty of the fact that the joy of the Lord is my strength is a truth that trumps whatever else I feel.

Granted, the sickness has been slightly different this time, a little less extreme, and comes in waves that are really bad and then less bad rather than a constant state of badness. But choosing joy in the face of it has been such an amazing thing.

I still lay down when I need to. I still eat when I need to. I'm not afraid to say "I need water with lemon NOW" when I need to. ;) But I am just consciously trying not to act miserable. Everything about the fact that I get to carry a baby is a gift, and I want to treat it as such.

In church yesterday the message was about making a trade with God. Asking Him for something good, and giving Him the not-good things we've been hanging onto in exchange. For me, that meant not asking him for joy but hanging onto misery and sickness with the other hand. It means asking for joy, and gladly releasing any rights to feel miserable or sick. "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame.. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord." Yes and amen.

I had the most lovely fourth of July. I threw up many times, in between fireworks, before playing card games, again before bed.... and if that is what I focused on then maybe it wouldn't have been such fun. But instead of thinking about those fleeting moments of sickness, I choose to think of the coziness of the porch in the rain, being surrounded by people I love, watching my boys hold sparklers in amazement for the first time, the laughter and fun during the card game.... it was wonderful. It's still a struggle, when people ask me how I'm feeling I want to be honest, but I then after answering the question, I want to smile, and I really just don't want to dwell on it.

So here's last week, 10 weeks pregnant, feeling so nauseous, but choosing to wear a dress and smile anyway. Because why not?
I will express my joy in this pregnancy through the pleasant and the painful parts.
Because in choosing joy, it becomes the most overwhelming emotion.