Saturday, August 8, 2015

I had a day.


Thursday I had a day. You probably know the kind. Life had been building up to that kind of day for a little while. And then it all exploded. But God was there in the midst of the explosion. So I'll just write it all down for memory's sake.

I've been feeling less and less nauseous, it's mostly just at night right before bed now that I don't feel well (except that yesterday I threw up breakfast and dinner... but that's been a lot more rare the past week or two) So now that I'm feeling less sick, it's like all of life that went on hold is coming rushing back in at me. Piles of mail. Floors that haven't been vacuumed in forever. Photography and painting work that I'm behind on. Friends I want to catch up with. Organization that came undone at the seams. Dentist appointments for us all, and an eye appointment for me, and check ups for baby, and a grooming appointment for the dog, and details that need taken care of before Drew starts kindergarten, and bills and life and a deductible that will be met when the baby comes that have left me stressing over finances at 3 am in the morning when I should be sleeping.... All of that to say that I desperately want to get life sorted and stacked and organized and flowing in a peaceful way like it was before I was sick again. So as the sickness has subsided, I've taken a running leap at this pile up of stuff... only my energy is not back yet. At all. And I've been crashing and burning on repeat at about 2 in the afternoon. But as my mom suggested, and as I know makes all of life seem simpler, I made a list, and I've been checking things off and adding things to it as they come. It helps it have it all on paper instead of cycling through my head over and over again.

So I went to bed Wednesday night with a dirty kitchen, but with a plan for the next day that made me feel better. The plan for Thursday was to check one or two small things off the list, clean up the kitchen, leave around 11 to take a dinner I had made the day before to a friend who just had her first sweet little girl, visit with her for a bit, head straight from there to a children's ministry meeting, get home from that in time to make a healthy dinner before Shaun got home from his extra long day at work. Sounded simple enough in my head. But I woke up Thursday morning feeling like I was moving in slo-mo.... I got one thing crossed off my list, then was working on washing dishes when I got a phone call from the school Drew will start at this fall. They had just gotten a call from the busing transportation system that because Drew was doing 4 day kindergarten instead of 5 they were not mandated to transport him at all. And for whatever reason, that one simple detail was the straw that broke me. Thinking about making two 40 minute round trips a day to get Drew to and from school, one of them being in the middle of Jaden's naptime, and adding to it the fact that I will have a newborn halfway through the year was just too much for me to process. It wasn't just that fact alone, it was that added to everything else that felt piled on me. I called Shaun and left a teary voicemail to let him know what was happening, and barely hung up the phone before I sank down on the kitchen floor and sobbed like I haven't in a long, long time. Like shoulder shaking, face in my hands, straight up ugly cry. The one thought that held me was that even though I don't have what it takes in this motherhood thing, Jesus has got my back, and He will work all things for our good.

The cry ended with my boys one by one peeking around the kitchen corner and coming to me and hugging me and looking quite concerned over seeing mommy in such a state. I just held them and finally picked myself up off the floor, left the dishes, got dressed, and left at noon to take the meal to my friend. Because I hadn't had time to make the boys lunch I decided to just stop somewhere and get it for them so they could eat on the way. We pulled into a wawa, all jumped out of the car and headed for the door. I reached back to double check my keys were in the pocket of my back pack like I always do and realized the pocket was open... and my keys were not there. I stopped, turned back to the van, and looking through the window could clearly see my keys sitting on the console inside our completely locked tight van. I had even closed the sunroof when we pulled into the parking lot. Oh. My. Gosh. I am locked out of my car with three little boys at a gas station. I was determined not to cry, so I silently sent a prayer to heaven asking God not to let anyone say anything mean to me or look at me funny or I might just lose it again. I went into Wawa, and asked if they had a phone I could use. The cashier immediately put a closed sign at his register and led me to a side room, where he said "this nice lady is locked out of her car, can she use our phone?" This nice lady? He didn't know me at all, wow, thanks God, for sending me a kind comment right away. So they let me use their phone, and Shaun got his second voicemail of the day from me... "Hey babe, it's me again... I accidentally locked my keys in the van at wawa, and I'm not sure what we're gonna do... if you can call back call this number, this is the gas station..." Then I called my mom. No answer, which never happens. Then I remembered that we have triple a, and fortunately I had the card in my wallet. So I called them next, they said it could be an hour or more til someone came but that they were sending someone. So I bought the boys lunch and we sat in the strip of grass alongside the gas station parking lot while we waited. It wasn't nearly as hot of a day as we have been having recently, so I was immediately thankful for that. And I've been craving quality time with my boys in the midst of the frenzy of crossing off to-do's, so I just took this picnic as that. It wasn't what I planned for the day, but I was going to enjoy it anyway. Amazing how perspective is everything. And a third thing to be thankful for... my boys have never behaved so well in all their lives all at the same time. If I could give them all a solid gold medal for the way they were quiet and stayed right with me and didn't touch each other and waited and went with the flow and didn't complain I would so do it. Fourth thing to be thankful for... triple a only took about 30-40 minutes to get there instead of an hour. We went and watched as they tried to break into the van, and I swear, the nicest people in all the universe kept walking by us and saying the most encouraging and kind things. When they finally did get in there was a whole group of people cheering and clapping for us.

I went and dropped off the dinner and sadly did not get to stay and visit with my sweet friend, and I was 45 minutes late to my meeting, but the meeting went SO well. And again, during the three hours I was at the meeting my kids were little angels. Now I want to make it clear, they are not always little angels. They fight and demand and cry and throw fits and take things from each other like any other kids. But on this day, God knew what I could handle and they were seriously so good. So the meeting went amazing, we got so much accomplished, and I got home at 6. I went to start making dinner and my bag of spinach that I had just bought the day before was going bad. :( So into the car again with my boys and I, we drove to the store, exchanged the spinach, and came home to start again on dinner. Could have been the icing on the cake, that last unexpected delay, but by this point my day was just out of my hands and I was past the point of complaining about it. We finally ate at 7:30, and I went to bed again with a dirty kitchen.

I know, I know, a phone call with disappointing news, keys locked in a car, and a bad bag of spinach are not the end of the world. They're extremely minor events. But sometimes, in the world of a hormonal, expecting, emotional mom, they are breaking points. In a weird and somewhat refreshing way, it was comforting to know that even when I come to the end of myself and all my human limits of emotion are surpassed, my heavenly father is still holding it all together. And so for that reason, Thursday was not quite the train wreck it could go down in history as in my mind, but rather a reminder of who is really in control, and that I can trust Him with my days even when they go nothing like I had planned.

Thank you Jesus for holding me through my tears.

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