Monday, May 27, 2013

on the day before my ultrasound

Today the hourly countdown to my ultrasound begins... 

I've been counting down to the day I would be able to have the ultrasound that would tell us what we're having since I found out I was pregnant. I've been dreaming about the moment we find out during day and night for weeks. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with my hand over my stomach thinking about it for the past 14 days.

All this time spent thinking, and I realized something. We are not really finding out what we are having.  We are finding out a little piece of who we are having. 

Who is this growing inside me? Yes, you are a boy or a girl, but whichever you are you have personality, preferences, quirks, characteristics that we will set out on our journey to discover from the first day you arrive. I am excited to know your gender because it is one of the first pieces of who you are that I can know before you are born. And I am longing ecstatically to know you, to discover you.

Besides gender, God has revealed a few things about you to us, and they are so endearing to me. I feel like you have a calm spirit, a steadiness, and a peacefulness that marks who you are even now. It was also spoken over you that you are a "quiet light." I get all giddy inside as I type these things, these few pieces to the puzzle of who you are that have been revealed.

I want you to know, sweet baby, how much we love you. We adore you, and we can't wait for the moment when we each get to hold you in our arms.

If you are a boy, just come on in and join the crazy. We are ready for you. :) With two big brothers already born at the same time of year, we have a wardrobe of baby boy clothes beginning in the fall season that will be just right for you as you grow. (Of course, I'll have to get you a few originals to you along the way too... just because that's what I do. :)  We have legos and matchbox cars, baseball bats, firetrucks, train tracks, back hoes and tractors, wrestling matches and races that are already here and just waiting for you to come be a part of. We have lots of experience with blue, with little boy snuggles, little boy tantrums, little boy humor, little boy competition, and little boy joy. I love being a mommy to baby boys, it is my greatest joy, and if you are a boy, I will love, absolutely adore, being your mommy too. If you are a boy, I feel somewhat prepared, and I feel the familiarity and anticipation of holding a baby boy in my arms again, knowing that someday I will stand on tip toe to hug you, and someday you will be the one looking down at me, but for now, I will hold you and snuggle you for as long as I can. I know the squeezing tight feeling I get in my heart when I think of my little men. I will soak up every moment of your newborn coos and grasping baby fingers.

If you are a girl, we have no idea what to expect. There are no ruffles or dresses or tutus in your size here in our closets. There are no baby dolls, no tea sets, no dress up clothes in this house. There is not much pink, except what mommy can sneak in. But if you are a girl, we invite you to take us on this adventure into the unknown, and we are so excited to see the ways you delicately (or not so delicately) change this masculine climate into a place fit for a little lady. To see the way your wrestling match daddy looks at you with a combination of tenderness and fierce protection in his eyes that I have never seen before. To see the ways that your rough and tumble big brothers adore you and defend you. And for me, to have a little girlfriend to share all the girly-ness locked away inside me with. To feel a sweet and soft and feminine kind of love sneak into my heart and spread wide there. My heart is full to bursting at the possibility of having you, my first daughter. I cannot put into words anymore than this, it is more than I could ever express.

Whoever you are little one, my arms are aching for you, to look into your precious, innocent eyes, and to begin to know you.

The day your baby is born is so full of contradiction. Here is this little person who looks just like you, who is more familiar to you than your own soul, and yet you know next to nothing about who they will be, or what will be written on the pages of their life.

Tomorrow we find out one more piece to who you are, little one, and Mommy & Daddy are beside themselves with excitement!! See you tomorrow! xoxo