Although last Thursday was technically Drew's "first day of pre-school", it was an open house type of first day, and I got to stay with him the whole time. So today is the first day that he has gone all by himself, the first day I've been home without my biggest boy.
On his "first day."
While my emotions are staying surprisingly in check (i.e. not leaking out my eyes all that much) I still have pretty deep feelings about today.
So does Isaiah. He has been asking all morning what he should do. He's a little lost without his best buddy and playmate. He got out the broom and started sweeping after breakfast, something that Drew normally does, and I could tell Isaiah was trying to fill his place a little. Then he asked me to race him down the hall way to the sofa like him and Drew do. I tried, but Jaden was in my arms, and I didn't do the nose dive onto the sofa like the two of them normally do... I could tell it wasn't the same experience for him. He didn't ask me to race again. Now he is laying on the bed with me wanting to see pictures of his big brother. The two of them are so close. Isaiah wants to start school too in the worst way. After Drew's first day last Thursday Isaiah asked him a million questions about what it was like.
(The two of them this past Saturday at the Train Museum.)
I miss Drew today too. It's only a few hours, and I have so much peace about where he is, and I know that he was so ready for this next season in life. Seeing his confidence and excitement put me so much more at ease. But it just feels strange not having all my babies here with me together.
Shaun actually took Drew bug and dropped him off today. He really wanted to. I think not physically having to leave him made it a little easier on me, and a lot harder on Shaun. The most emotional part of the morning for me was when Shaun came back home again and couldn't say much. I made him tell me what he was thinking anyway. "I was just thinking about the day we brought him home... it wasn't that long ago... Now we're taking him and leaving him somewhere else... And I was thinking about this past winter... And I am just so thankful that he's ok."
I know exactly how he feels... This summer I had a similar moment watching Drew run through the waves of the ocean for the first time this year, and being completely swept up in a moment of such profound gratefulness for his little life. For his health. For who he is. I thought I could stay sitting in the sand there and watch him run in the water in the light of the setting sun for the rest of my life.
Ok, so those emotions seem to be leaking out a bit right now, just when I thought I had them so under control. Ah, my first baby, he holds my whole heart. If he only knew that while he sits at a little table in his new classroom having great new experiences we are all at home feeling a little lost and missing him so bad.
All of last week I kept thinking about how I always told myself school was so far away. I saw other moms post pictures of their littles on their first days of school each year and I was so glad it wasn't me yet. I would calculate how many years I had still. It seemed like a lot. Those years evaporated faster than I ever could have guessed. And all I can think is, did I make it count? My years of having him home all day every day, did I teach him well? Did I love him well? Did I show him Jesus? I know, if you don't have a baby, or if they haven't gone to school yet maybe this seems sappy and over-analytical. I can't help it. It's the essence of being a mom. That desire to do your best, to give your all, to fiercely love and protect, to make their life the best you have to offer.
Dang it, my mom just called and asked how I was. And my eyes are now dripping quite steadily. Isaiah is asking me how long til Drew comes home. We've got one more hour before we go to get our boy. We're gonna make it, I think.