Honesty

How have I been feeling lately? Like there's too much going on in my mind and heart to even write. But I'll try. Last Sunday I was feeling..... empty. Poured out. Exhausted. Like I just don't have the strength and energy I need for this season. But somehow in that place of emptiness I find that I'm more full than when I feel like I have it all together. Doesn't make sense right? Let me explain...

In that place of my constant need I find myself relying fully on Jesus. I find my heart in a place of vulnerability and openness where the tears come easily, the outcry of my heart just pours out, the emotions are so full and real and felt. I lift my hands in worship and sing of Jesus' faithfulness and I know that if it weren't for that faithfulness I'd be falling apart. Literally.

I love my beautiful babies, they are so sweet spirited, but OH do they test me... When Drew is pushing the limits to find out where they are, and Isaiah is shrieking his head off because of whatever the most recent perceived injustice that was done him, I breathe in. I breathe out. I try desperately to lay aside my own needs for calm, for peace, for a moment of my own. I die. Over and over again. It's in the dying to self that we truly live right? Sometimes I can't force myself to breathe, sometimes I fight for my own sanity, and that's never as pretty as letting go. Seems easier, but in the end it's not.

But last Sunday, after church, someone gave me a word.... they said they felt like they were supposed to tell me that Jesus will give me the strength I need for each new day. And my tears fell.

In the past week I've changed some strategies around here... Instead of just walking away when one of my boys are having a break down or throwing a tantrum, I go to them and hold them. I lay aside what I'm doing, and I make sure they know they are loved. This went against every instinct I have, especially in this "nesting" season where I tend to become so task oriented. But strangely enough, we got more done this week than any week I can remember as far as making progress in getting ready for a new baby. And I can feel Drew responding to this difference. I never thought about it before, but as much as things are changing for me, they're changing for him too. He's sharing his bedroom now, at three years old he's going to be the oldest of three boys, he's learning to dress himself, I'm starting to give him his own responsibilities around our house. I want to make sure he knows without a doubt his importance to me.

Now Sunday, one week later, I can testify again to the faithfulness of my Savior. I don't feel strong, I don't feel full, I don't feel energetic.... but I feel him being strong through me. One new day at a time.