Sunday, May 4, 2014

The Daily Files

Those moments that we hold so dear to our hearts are sometimes sandwiched between chaos, drenched in exhaustion, splattered with frustration, lost in the mess.... But I refuse to let them stay there. It is my mission to search for them, air them out, pour my attention over them and relive them over and over.

I always lay down with my boys til they fall asleep at nap time each day. Today I went through my usual requests for quiet and laying still etc. etc. With me and all three boys in a double bed settling down is sometimes a difficult task. Everyone was finally quieted down and Drew was rubbing my side..... he whispered quietly to me and asked why my skin was bumpy. I told him I was cold and they were called goosebumps... He very quietly sat up and reached for a blanket from the foot of the bed and pulled it over me, tucking me in just like I do for him. Then he laid down next to me and put his arm around me and smiled this sweet, brown eyed bashful smile at me as he could apparently tell I had melted into a puddle of mush over his actions....

I wrote the above a few nights ago. I could hardly continue writing for all the emotions crashing around in my heart. Sometimes you have writer's block for not having the words to say. Sometimes you have writer's block for having too many of them and not knowing which to let find their way out first. The latter is my case lately. Beyond this post I have about five others started from the last few days and not one of them yet finished. But I keep returning to this one.

As I thumb through the pages of words/thoughts/emotions that make up my day when I climb into bed each night, which do I pause on? It's easy to pause on the difficult parts, pull out those pages and read them top to bottom. But I think I'd like to let them stay in the file unread. Instead I'll pull out that moment when Isaiah came into my room this morning and his eyes lit up and he told me I looked beautiful for church. I'll read that page over, the way my sweet boy number two is so observant, that he notices clothes and has opinions and likes it when I get dressed up, the way he shakes his blonde hair out of his eyes, the way he calls me mommy... I think I'd like to pause on that page, too, when I nursed Jaden to sleep tonight and he rested so peacefully in my arms, little puffs of air coming out through his open baby lips. His peaceful eyelashes, his smooth chubby baby cheeks. When I got Drew out of the bathtub the other night he asked me to hold and rock him wrapped in his towel to warm him up. He hasn't asked me to do this the past few weeks, and it almost slipped away without me knowing it. I wrapped him up, pulled him onto my lap, rocked him, and unbeknownst to him, cried into the little hoodie part of his shark towel as I warmed him up. So it's decided. I'll pause on the daily files that bring joy, that make me love what I do. I'm pretty sure most moms wish someday that they could have back the days when their babies were little. And I'm living and breathing that season right now. I want every piece of happiness it has to offer. No dwelling on the difficulties or frustrations. Just reliving the beauty.

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