Monday, May 12, 2014

First moments of motherhood

These were my musings as I reflected on how mother's day began to be my holiday too, as posted on facebook (with a few additions this morning)

 ("1st" mother's day, pregnant with Drew)
(2nd Mother's Day, spent in Kansas City)
 (3rd Mother's Day, pregnant with Isaiah)
(4th Mother's Day, spent in Lynchburg Va for my sister's college graduation)
(5th Mother's Day, pregnant with Jaden)

 Laying here with Jaden's hand gripping my thumb as he falls asleep in my arms thinking back to my very first moments of motherhood... seeing Drew jump and wiggle inside of me on ultrasound when he was only about a 9 week little peanut... having no idea then who it was inside of me. seeing his sweet face and full head of dark hair and kissing his baby cheeks for the first time at 3:29 a.m on october 9th, 2009... in the wee hours of the morning we became a family for the first time, the three of us. having a few hours of quiet in the hospital right after I had him and being so exhausted and needing sleep so bad but all I could do was stare at his perfect little face while he slept in my arms. taking him home and shaun and i seriously considering taking shifts to watch him sleep through the night. remembering nursing him in the wee hours of the morning all tucked into blankets in my cozy rocking chair in our apartment, feeling like the only two people in the world. crying the first night we moved him out of the basinet in our room and into the crib in his nursery. celebrating his every milestone, moving to our first house, finding out not long after his first birthday that isaiah was on the way. drew laying snuggled up next to me on the bed during my ultrasound for Isaiah. carrying drew around on top of my very pregnant belly right up to the end, getting all emotional as we moved Drew's crib out of his room and into the nursery in preparation for Isaiah to arrive, enduring the most intense labor experience i could imagine with isaiah. finally the relief of his birth, the solid 9 lb 14 oz weight of him laying on my chest, so physically spent that all I could do was close my eyes and lay there with my arms around him, not even knowing what he looked like yet. finally seeing his baby blue eyes for the first time looking up at me and knowing my heart was his for the taking. thinking i might lose it for lack of sleep those first weeks of having two, holding isaiah every possible second and realizing how fast it had gone the first time around. isaiah's hair beginning to curl as it got longer and his first summer rolled around. realizing that baby boy number two was a much different personality than baby boy number one, and adoring their differences, learning to be the mommy they each needed. soon there were two boys running around our backyard. calling shaun while he was out at a business lunch while i took the pregnancy test that told us number three was on the way. not sure how i fed or clothed any of us through that first trimester sickness, the incredible gratefulness when it subsided. finding out at our ultrasound that it was our third BOY on the way and not being able to stop smiling the whole drive home. very pregnant me laying on the floor in isaiah's room at nap time with him, the way he always used to cup his fingers over my lips and rub my cheek while he fell asleep. somewhere in the middle of my pregnancy with Jaden I rocked Drew to sleep for the last time in that rocking chair we had shared together so many times. Going into labor with Jaden, Drew clinging to me as I tried to get out the door and make it into the truck. Water breaking on the way, speeding to the hospital with four ways on. Meeting Jaden boy just a few hrs later, He seemed so petite to me at 8 lbs 10 oz compared to Drew & Saiah. His blonde, blonde fuzzy hair, his incredible sweet innocence. Falling in love with a newborn all over again. The way Drew's eyes lit up when he met him for the first time. the first few months home when we'd cleared out all commitments and left ourselves time to adjust. And now this season we are in. Drew becoming such a little boy right before my eyes. Seeing his desire to make friends and spread his wings ever so slightly. he knows what he likes; baseball, whales, running fast... He asks questions and wants to learn and is an incredible role model for his brothers. Isaiah Matthew, insisting he is four (when he knows he's really two) his fierce independence, the way he is already romantic, complimenting me, kissing my hand, smiling his squinty "i know i'm cute" smile. Jaden... he loves music, he will search a room til he finds someone to make eye contact with just so he can smile at them. there is nothing in the world that can make him sad if he's in my arms. And I am nothing but grateful, humbled and very, very emotional that I have these three little human beings changing the course of my life and nature of who I am. I could not be more thankful to be able to count myself among the mothers of the world. that I could be the praying, loving, patient, discerning and playful mother that they need.... that is my deepest desire. Drew, Isaiah and Jaden- you have your mommy's heart forever and ever.
(This Mother's Day, my 6th one, with my three little loves)

first one with this boy in my arms :)

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