Reflecting on 2015

Coming off the whirlwind of a year that 2014 was I had declared the beginning of 2015 a season of rest. I remember telling people I was going to sleep the whole month of January. But it turned out that when I gave myself the opportunity to rest and kept our schedule open, things like painting our kitchen cabinets and walls happened instead. Things like organizing my closet, and hanging a framed photo collage of family pictures in our basement living room. Unhurried, simple things that brought life and creativity back to me, those things were rest. I loved just being in my home, taking my time, and I long for a season like that again now. It's quite a good way to spend January. The beginning of this past year seems like a soft, gentle blur almost... There was a piece of it pierced by tragedy and extreme sadness and confusion, but I feel like the Lord has already healed the deep hurts from it and used it in a way to bring good into our marriage. He sent godly counsel to us to help us process it all right from the beginning, and I am so thankful for that.  I had goals to start running and getting back in shape again. But first I needed to have my right knee checked out to make sure it was ok to start (I had acl surgery on it my junior year in highschool, and it was hurting again) I scheduled the MRI for the middle of May. They told me to take a pregnancy test a few days before the MRI. I was sure there was no way I was pregnant, we had been planning on the MRI, knew it was coming, and being careful.... Well, I got up early in the morning a few days before the MRI and took a test, and if I squinted I could see a faint line. Oh. My. Gosh. It wasn't crystal clear, but it was exactly how my first test with Drew and Jaden both were. I remember tip toeing to our bed in the semi-darkness and waking Shaun to tell him.... I might be. His eyes popped open. WHAT?! I waited two days and took another test. And yes. It was confirmed. There was a baby on the way, and the MRI and plans of running again were canceled. And I remember feeling such an indescribable joy thinking of how God's plans are so much better than our own, and just embracing the idea that our fourth baby was on the way and being so, so excited. Around 7 weeks along I remember falling asleep one night when I had an incredibly strong feeling that this baby was a girl. I told Shaun. Then we waited 8 more weeks and had an ultrasound at 15 weeks that confirmed. Yes, this baby was our daughter. A daughter we had prayed and hoped for, and here she was on her way when we didn't even know it was in our plans. I felt like I was hanging onto the balloon strings of my heart as it sailed out of my body. My throat was tight with so much emotion. It took me about 5 weeks and another ultrasound to confirm for sure, for sure, that it was a girl until I let my heart go in full anticipation of all that a baby girl would mean to our family.

I spent most of the summer sick. My way of coping was to let everything I possibly could go, and I would just take the boys to my parents' pool to swim most days while I tried to feed myself and rest and fight the nausea. I don't think the sickness was as extreme as it's been in past pregnancies, and I was able to eat more fruits and veggies and tried to take better care of myself in the midst of it. I loved all the days spent at the pool with my boys. We took a family weekend to the beach in June, and even though I was throwing up in the hotel, something about the ocean and waves on the beach would really help to calm my sickness. I learned about choosing joy in the middle of not feeling well. Through other events, and combined with the tragedy that happened in the middle of the winter, June also found Shaun and I in the best place we've ever been in as husband and wife. Complete, total honesty and vulnerability, an extreme pursuit of each other, deep gratefulness and protection of our marriage, and intentionality in the way we expressed love and served each other. I can't say enough how thankful I am for that season. It laid a foundation that we are still building on now and we feel so strong together. It really is amazing how the Lord takes tragedy and difficult situations and refines them into these precious treasures that have the potential to be the most beautiful pieces of our lives. We had a vacation with my whole family in July before my sister and her husband moved to Minnesota, and while I was still sick, it was such an awesome week together. I had thought for years that when Shaun turned 30 I wanted to  have a surprise birthday party for him. His birthday was coming in August. I took what seemed to be the simple route, hired the Marriott in Lancaster, rented a really cool room and had them cater all the food and do all the decorating. I had a specific budget, but they worked with me and went above and beyond what I asked for. All that we had to do was get dressed and go spend the evening with our friends. It was one of my favorite parties ever, ever, ever. We had so much fun, I didn't want the night to ever end. Somewhere in that end of August time frame, still battling nausea although it was beginning to get less, I had a little break down because all the things I had put off all summer came crashing back in at me at once, and I just didn't feel physically capable of handling it all. In my weakness He is strong, and somehow everything got done that needed to get done. Isaiah turned four (we went to the Plumpton Park Zoo), Drew started kindergarten at the beginning of September, we celebrated my sister in law's baby shower over labor day weekend, and right when I needed it the most we had a week long vacation in the OBX with two other amazing families. During that week away every little bit of stress and worry and anxiety and sickness completely melted off of me. I felt like a completely different person coming home from that trip. I am so thankful for the timing of it and the invitation to spend that quality time with people who love Jesus and spark life and energy in us, encouraging us and being the most amazing friends. (Ben, Camille, Paul, & Rachelle... thank you so much for asking us on that trip.... we loved every second!)

Once home from our September beach trip fall was beginning full force. And as always, the fall is my very favorite. I was so taken over with the beauty all around me. Drew turned six (we went to Cherry Crest Farms, and did the corn maze there), Jaden turned two (we had such a family fall day at longwood gardens and going out to eat at Ruby's diner), and we welcomed my first sweet niece, Selah Joy, into the world all in October. Let me tell you, this little girl is so very precious. I have never felt quite like this about anyone else's baby before.... She is beautiful and I miss her when I don't get to see her. I am so excited for my baby girl to grow up with her sweet cousin and see the two of them form a little friendship!
And in the midst of all the joyful milestones of life all around us a family nearby suffered the greatest loss I  can imagine, their precious baby girl who was just a few months younger than Isaiah went to be with Jesus. I can't describe the way it has impacted my heart and mind, the depth of daily gratitude it is cultivating in me, that we really don't know how many days or breaths we have with the ones we love, to make every second count, and to just be thankful in the hard moments that my kids are ALIVE. As I hung up the Christmas card we got from this precious family on Christmas Eve just a little over a week ago I just began sobbing. Once I got my emotions under control I went and found each of my boys, and just hugged them. I know that any emotion I have in regards to it all is just a drop in the ocean of what this family is feeling and going through. But I feel like my heart has been bound to theirs, and I pray for them and think of them daily. Even while just getting to know them, I feel a deep spiritual connection and a desire to lift them up continually, and to let what they are going through change me and who I am as a mother, and the way I react to life.

November.... lots and lots of nesting. I felt like I needed to get things done before the holidays, and did as much as I could, leaving a few specific things for these couple of weeks between Christmas and baby girl's arrival. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving, loved the weeks following, preparing for Christmas with our boys this year was at an all-time excitement level... They are at such fun ages and loved every part of it and wanted to help with everything. I kept telling myself all the while, as excited as I was for January, and as much as my mind kept trying to race ahead, I did not want to rush this time. I soaked it in as much as I could. We had candle light dinners, and played family hide and seek with only Christmas lights on inside, and took a trip to Longwood gardens to see the lights, and I organized Drew's class Christmas party... we baked cookies and we all slept in our basement family room around our tree as has become tradition. Just yesterday we went to see The Miracle of Christmas at Sight & Sound. It was magical and wonderful. I really don't want it to be over. But I also want to put everything away before baby girl comes. So I am stuck right there at the moment. Savoring these last few days of Drew's break from school, nesting more when I can, trying to decide if I'll take down the tree today or tomorrow...

And looking so forward to all that 2016 holds. I've never started a new year off with a new baby, and I am so excited for that this time. Her bassinette is all set up in our room. Her carseat is ready to go. Her nursery is just about completed, I just need to spend a little time organizing the closet still. My mom is going to come over to help me clean early next week. I have a hair appointment scheduled for some fresh highlights... That's the next few weeks. Beyond that the changes are so big that I can hardly think about them. I can't wait to share that news here when it's a bit more official. I feel like God is going to show me how to move forward in big things without letting sentimentality hold me back so much this year. And as in every year past of my life, I know that whatever He does will be for our good, and I trust Him.

A (Non-DIY) 30th birthday party for my favorite man

I haven't had time to write nearly like I've wanted to lately. I could write post after post on what Shaun means to me, the amazingness that our marriage is, the beautiful places the Lord is leading us. I hope it's not annoying to say that I think my marriage is amazing... It's actually extremely humbling and wondrous to me when I say it... It's something we've been putting a ton of effort into, learning how to be deep and vulnerable and honest and protective of each other. Learning to be a safe place for each other. Learning that in the midst of kids and more busyness than we've ever known before we need to be more intentional than we imagined, but it's worth more than any other investment we will ever make. But it's honestly nothing we've accomplished on our own... It is all and only because of the Lord. He is so faithful, he writes the most beautiful stories, and he used circumstances from the past few years to set the stage perfectly for us to come to this point. It is my favorite season of our relationship yet, and I am so excited to see where He takes us from here.

 

All that to say, Shaun just had his 30th birthday on August 15th. I had been thinking for years that I wanted to have a surprise party for him when he turned 30. And this may have been my favorite party I've ever thrown. As it went, Shaun found out I was having a party for him when he accidentally saw a facebook message between me and someone who was invited to the party... however, he didn't know the details like where it was, who was coming, what the food would be etc until the night it happened. As badly as I wanted to have that "surprise!!!" moment, it did take some stress off me once he knew that I was putting together a party. I could double check some things with him that I had been having the hardest time making decisions about.

 

Because of this season in life, and because I was still sick when I started planning the party and just feeling better when it was finally here, I went for something that would be as amazing as possible, with the least stress and most enjoyment for me. As much as I love DIY parties and adding cute little touches of my own, that was not the route I was headed this time.

 

I decided to throw him a party with our closest friends, most who have known us as long as we've been a couple, some who've known us long before we knew each other, and a few others who we've grown close to along the way. We rarely get a night out with friends without kids these days, so I thought it would be fun to have a classy, relaxing party with just adults... I rented a room in the Montgomery house at the Penn Square Marriott, and the room was perfect... just the right size to create a cozy, intimate atmosphere that was still big enough to accommodate about 30 people. Half of the room was set up with smaller cocktail size tables and half of the room was set up with comfy sofas and chairs like a fancy living room with a fire place.

 

These were the stairs that led to the room where the party was.

 

For food we had lots of yummy appetizers. The party was at 7:00, and I wanted people to mingle and talk and go back for more food as often as they wanted, so appetizers made more sense than a meal. We had pizza, and mini sliders on pretzel rolls, and wings and soft pretzels with dip and, my personal favorite, a nacho bar with bomb guacamole. 

 

For drinks we had strawberry mint water (in the coolest pitchers) and a cash bar. And then the cakes... they were homemade deliciousness by a friend of ours in exchange for a photo shoot I did for them. Caramel Apple Bundt cakes, and they were SO SO good!! 

It was so much fun spending the evening with all our best friends, and seeing them all interact too... I didn't want it to end! 



We sang happy birthday and then we all pulled chairs into a circle in the living room part of the room to share our funniest memories of Shaun... We laughed and laughed and laughed... I married such a hilarious and unique man... stories about his extreme competitive side, whether it was hockey or settlers of catan, him fainting when I was getting the epidural with Drew and forgetting his wallet on our first date, many stories of him in his underwear (some things never change) stories of him in his convertible that flooded (so there was several inches of water in the bottom in the summer and a sheet of ice in the winter), him shooting cows with his air soft gun on his drive to church with the top down in that same convertible, stories of him preparing for the end of the world (that was a recent one) and then there were some really sentimental moments mixed in, stories of him staying up praying all night, sharing his heart when he was really young... stories that brought tears to my eyes. I can't describe the overwhelming amount of love I felt in the room that night. To be surrounded by people who know you and love you and want to celebrate you... the closeness and sentimentality and laughter and bond that we share... It was really amazing. We couldn't stop talking about what amazing friends we have on our drive home. It makes me want to cry just to think about it. I am so thankful for the people God has placed in our lives to lift us up, surround us, support us, laugh and cry with us. Looking around the room and thinking of the things we've been through. The way someone rushed to our house and beat the ambulance there when Drew had his first seizure. The way someone else stayed overnight in the hospital to help keep Shaun and Drew awake for a test they needed to run in the morning when he had his second seizure. People who have brought us meals when we've brought home newborns. People who have celebrated pregnancies with us, prayed with us in hard times, know our stories inside and out and love us all the same. People who have given us words of encouragement, made a point to give us cards on our birthdays full of spiritual encouragement, people we lead a church with, worship with weekly, and who sharpen us to be better. Siblings we've grown up with and shared life with from the beginning, and the amazing spouses they've each married. My sister and her husband weren't able to be there because of their recent move to Minnesota, and Randi cried on the phone as I told her about the party because she'd wanted to be there so badly.

 

I love these amazing people so much, and missed the few that weren't able to be there. 

 

I know all about how to have a party that photographs pretty. There's nothing wrong with that. I know all about how to spend a ton of time on the decorations. I know how to stress myself out preparing all the food myself, and arranging to have people bring things to the party to help. I just didn't want to have a pinterest party for Shaun's party. Instead, I let the Marriott take care of everything. I didn't even tell them what I wanted in the centers of the tables. When we got there I saw there were tea light candles, and they were perfect. After all, a party isn't about the things at all. Things can help add to the atmosphere, but the party is about the people. The only thing we did when we got there was hook Shaun's phone up to the speaker system to play the red hot chili peppers Pandora station during the party. I enjoyed myself so much.... There were two waiters and a bartender making sure the food stayed warm and replenished, that the pitchers stayed full, they even lit the birthday candles for me. I spent all my time with the people. And it was glorious.

I really didn't take many pictures at all for the four hours we were there. I'm glad I have the ones I do to remember the party by, but my goal is not to have people "pin" these pictures and try to recreate this look... my goal was that for those four hours we spent there, that we made the most of every moment and came away with our hearts full. I honestly couldn't fall asleep that night for all the things I wanted to stay up remembering.

 

Shaun loved it. It was a night I'll look back and smile on forever. Thank you to everyone who came and made it so special!! 

I had a day.

Thursday.

Thursday I had a day. You probably know the kind. Life had been building up to that kind of day for a little while. And then it all exploded. But God was there in the midst of the explosion. So I'll just write it all down for memory's sake.

I've been feeling less and less nauseous, it's mostly just at night right before bed now that I don't feel well (except that yesterday I threw up breakfast and dinner... but that's been a lot more rare the past week or two) So now that I'm feeling less sick, it's like all of life that went on hold is coming rushing back in at me. Piles of mail. Floors that haven't been vacuumed in forever. Photography and painting work that I'm behind on. Friends I want to catch up with. Organization that came undone at the seams. Dentist appointments for us all, and an eye appointment for me, and check ups for baby, and a grooming appointment for the dog, and details that need taken care of before Drew starts kindergarten, and bills and life and a deductible that will be met when the baby comes that have left me stressing over finances at 3 am in the morning when I should be sleeping.... All of that to say that I desperately want to get life sorted and stacked and organized and flowing in a peaceful way like it was before I was sick again. So as the sickness has subsided, I've taken a running leap at this pile up of stuff... only my energy is not back yet. At all. And I've been crashing and burning on repeat at about 2 in the afternoon. But as my mom suggested, and as I know makes all of life seem simpler, I made a list, and I've been checking things off and adding things to it as they come. It helps it have it all on paper instead of cycling through my head over and over again.

So I went to bed Wednesday night with a dirty kitchen, but with a plan for the next day that made me feel better. The plan for Thursday was to check one or two small things off the list, clean up the kitchen, leave around 11 to take a dinner I had made the day before to a friend who just had her first sweet little girl, visit with her for a bit, head straight from there to a children's ministry meeting, get home from that in time to make a healthy dinner before Shaun got home from his extra long day at work. Sounded simple enough in my head. But I woke up Thursday morning feeling like I was moving in slo-mo.... I got one thing crossed off my list, then was working on washing dishes when I got a phone call from the school Drew will start at this fall. They had just gotten a call from the busing transportation system that because Drew was doing 4 day kindergarten instead of 5 they were not mandated to transport him at all. And for whatever reason, that one simple detail was the straw that broke me. Thinking about making two 40 minute round trips a day to get Drew to and from school, one of them being in the middle of Jaden's naptime, and adding to it the fact that I will have a newborn halfway through the year was just too much for me to process. It wasn't just that fact alone, it was that added to everything else that felt piled on me. I called Shaun and left a teary voicemail to let him know what was happening, and barely hung up the phone before I sank down on the kitchen floor and sobbed like I haven't in a long, long time. Like shoulder shaking, face in my hands, straight up ugly cry. The one thought that held me was that even though I don't have what it takes in this motherhood thing, Jesus has got my back, and He will work all things for our good.

The cry ended with my boys one by one peeking around the kitchen corner and coming to me and hugging me and looking quite concerned over seeing mommy in such a state. I just held them and finally picked myself up off the floor, left the dishes, got dressed, and left at noon to take the meal to my friend. Because I hadn't had time to make the boys lunch I decided to just stop somewhere and get it for them so they could eat on the way. We pulled into a wawa, all jumped out of the car and headed for the door. I reached back to double check my keys were in the pocket of my back pack like I always do and realized the pocket was open... and my keys were not there. I stopped, turned back to the van, and looking through the window could clearly see my keys sitting on the console inside our completely locked tight van. I had even closed the sunroof when we pulled into the parking lot. Oh. My. Gosh. I am locked out of my car with three little boys at a gas station. I was determined not to cry, so I silently sent a prayer to heaven asking God not to let anyone say anything mean to me or look at me funny or I might just lose it again. I went into Wawa, and asked if they had a phone I could use. The cashier immediately put a closed sign at his register and led me to a side room, where he said "this nice lady is locked out of her car, can she use our phone?" This nice lady? He didn't know me at all, wow, thanks God, for sending me a kind comment right away. So they let me use their phone, and Shaun got his second voicemail of the day from me... "Hey babe, it's me again... I accidentally locked my keys in the van at wawa, and I'm not sure what we're gonna do... if you can call back call this number, this is the gas station..." Then I called my mom. No answer, which never happens. Then I remembered that we have triple a, and fortunately I had the card in my wallet. So I called them next, they said it could be an hour or more til someone came but that they were sending someone. So I bought the boys lunch and we sat in the strip of grass alongside the gas station parking lot while we waited. It wasn't nearly as hot of a day as we have been having recently, so I was immediately thankful for that. And I've been craving quality time with my boys in the midst of the frenzy of crossing off to-do's, so I just took this picnic as that. It wasn't what I planned for the day, but I was going to enjoy it anyway. Amazing how perspective is everything. And a third thing to be thankful for... my boys have never behaved so well in all their lives all at the same time. If I could give them all a solid gold medal for the way they were quiet and stayed right with me and didn't touch each other and waited and went with the flow and didn't complain I would so do it. Fourth thing to be thankful for... triple a only took about 30-40 minutes to get there instead of an hour. We went and watched as they tried to break into the van, and I swear, the nicest people in all the universe kept walking by us and saying the most encouraging and kind things. When they finally did get in there was a whole group of people cheering and clapping for us.

I went and dropped off the dinner and sadly did not get to stay and visit with my sweet friend, and I was 45 minutes late to my meeting, but the meeting went SO well. And again, during the three hours I was at the meeting my kids were little angels. Now I want to make it clear, they are not always little angels. They fight and demand and cry and throw fits and take things from each other like any other kids. But on this day, God knew what I could handle and they were seriously so good. So the meeting went amazing, we got so much accomplished, and I got home at 6. I went to start making dinner and my bag of spinach that I had just bought the day before was going bad. :( So into the car again with my boys and I, we drove to the store, exchanged the spinach, and came home to start again on dinner. Could have been the icing on the cake, that last unexpected delay, but by this point my day was just out of my hands and I was past the point of complaining about it. We finally ate at 7:30, and I went to bed again with a dirty kitchen.

I know, I know, a phone call with disappointing news, keys locked in a car, and a bad bag of spinach are not the end of the world. They're extremely minor events. But sometimes, in the world of a hormonal, expecting, emotional mom, they are breaking points. In a weird and somewhat refreshing way, it was comforting to know that even when I come to the end of myself and all my human limits of emotion are surpassed, my heavenly father is still holding it all together. And so for that reason, Thursday was not quite the train wreck it could go down in history as in my mind, but rather a reminder of who is really in control, and that I can trust Him with my days even when they go nothing like I had planned.

Thank you Jesus for holding me through my tears.

The gift this pregnancy has given me

I've been learning something through this pregnancy that I didn't learn through my first three.

I can choose joy despite how I feel.

In my past pregnancies, when I was so sick, I let the misery of what my body was feeling invade all of me. I just couldn't separate the sickness inside from how I expressed myself. It felt dishonest to smile when I wanted to cry. I was always excited when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed and contended for each baby that I've carried, but when I was in the throes of first trimester sickness I basically curled up into a ball on the sofa, focused on the way I felt, and probably didn't smile much for those first few months. I just tried to get through it, thinking I would express my excitement over the pregnancy when I was feeling better.

This time has been different. It doesn't matter if people understand how awful I feel just by looking at my facial expressions. Sometimes I truly can't hide it, but if I can focus on something other than the nausea it helps so much. If I can worship, if I can smile anyway, if I can say something loving to my husband, hug my babies, rest my hand on my abdomen and thank the Lord for the wondrous miracle taking place inside me. The joy that comes from those simple expressions is more real than my sickness. The joy that comes from taking my focus off the sickness and placing it on all that is good then begins to invade and overtake the misery. And I find that the honesty of the fact that the joy of the Lord is my strength is a truth that trumps whatever else I feel.

Granted, the sickness has been slightly different this time, a little less extreme, and comes in waves that are really bad and then less bad rather than a constant state of badness. But choosing joy in the face of it has been such an amazing thing.

I still lay down when I need to. I still eat when I need to. I'm not afraid to say "I need water with lemon NOW" when I need to. ;) But I am just consciously trying not to act miserable. Everything about the fact that I get to carry a baby is a gift, and I want to treat it as such.

In church yesterday the message was about making a trade with God. Asking Him for something good, and giving Him the not-good things we've been hanging onto in exchange. For me, that meant not asking him for joy but hanging onto misery and sickness with the other hand. It means asking for joy, and gladly releasing any rights to feel miserable or sick. "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame.. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord." Yes and amen.

I had the most lovely fourth of July. I threw up many times, in between fireworks, before playing card games, again before bed.... and if that is what I focused on then maybe it wouldn't have been such fun. But instead of thinking about those fleeting moments of sickness, I choose to think of the coziness of the porch in the rain, being surrounded by people I love, watching my boys hold sparklers in amazement for the first time, the laughter and fun during the card game.... it was wonderful. It's still a struggle, when people ask me how I'm feeling I want to be honest, but I then after answering the question, I want to smile, and I really just don't want to dwell on it.

So here's last week, 10 weeks pregnant, feeling so nauseous, but choosing to wear a dress and smile anyway. Because why not?
I will express my joy in this pregnancy through the pleasant and the painful parts.
Because in choosing joy, it becomes the most overwhelming emotion. 

The Last Day

Yesterday I said something like, I don't have time to write, but hopefully I will soon... that I have big emotions inside... no outlet for them... something like that. Well today those big emotions came erupting out in a public outburst of tears over Drew's last day of school. I think it might be time to write. Before another public outburst, you know? 

Drew's first day of pre-school: 

 Drew's last day of pre-school. 

I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with as a mama is the passing of time. I love seeing them grow and thrive. Every stage brings new joys with it. Getting out and experiencing life with them gets easier and easier. But at the same time it's hard to deal with that little bundle you brought home from the hospital growing up before your eyes. Those baby rolls under their chin and at their wrists slowly smoothing out and losing their roundness. Those days of carrying them around on your hip all day every day fading into memories. Knowing that this is the last summer before they start school... and will be away from home all day. All week. Oh, I can hardly speak those words. 

Why is the passing of time so hard? We were born into the bounds of time, have known them our whole lives, and yet the quickness of it still catches us by surprise. We see a friend and their child who we haven't seen in a while, and are shocked by their child's growth. The more seasoned moms tell us younger ones not to blink, that it goes by too fast. I passed two elderly people talking in the grocery store this morning, and I overheard the man saying to the woman, "I remember those days... we didn't have any problems then, did we? Why didn't we just stay young?" We can never believe it when a new year is starting.. the last one went so fast. Why is this? I heard someone repeat a quote the other night, and it resonated so in my heart. 

"Why are we as humans always so shocked by the fast passing of time? It would be the same as a fish constantly commenting of the wetness of water. It wouldn't make any sense.... unless the fish was originally created to one day live on dry land." 

Eternity has been set in our hearts. We were created for forever. And the passing of time will always feel strange and foreign to us, because we were made for eternity. Our spirits will one day no longer be bound by time. And yet there is such beauty in the passing of time. A richness, a seasoning, a wisdom that grows and is nurtured, the passing on of a heritage... 

Learning to cherish the here and the now. It is a constant process. Sometime things shock you into perspective. The intense emotion I felt today as we wrapped up this season with Drew left me so receptive to his little voice every time it was directed towards me. Instead of continuing to wash the dishes while he told me about the robin outside in our yard, I dropped my sponge, got down on my knees and looked into his little face the second I heard him say "Mommy..." without even thinking about it.  Tears were leaking from my eyes as I listened to him tell me about his day at school this morning. I've talked before about our brown rocking chair and the time I spent rocking Drew in it... This morning he was the first boy awake, and I gathered him in my arms and went straight to our chair... He still curls against me so sweetly. I can still hold all of him on my lap, and I treasure it so. 

He had the most amazing teacher this year. She was such a blessing. She understood him so well and gently encouraged him to thrive in his class. That adds to the difficulty... the saying goodbye to her. 

Drew's little sidekicks. The lollipop gang. 

 And I love this picture of Drew with his teacher today before we left. It says everything about why we had the most wonderful year at his school.

 I posted the above picture on instagram with this: 

I am pretty sure I've cried more on drew's last day of school than I did on his first. When you have the worlds most amazing preschool teacher investing in your child week after week and you see the way they love her and watch them blossom before your eyes it's hard to say goodbye. Drew and I made her this sign together. He painted the canvas, I did the wording, and together we tried to remember as

much of their class goodbye rhyme as we could. The very first morning of preschool mrs chase said "see you later alligator" as drew walked out of her classroom. I didn't realize fully how special this sign would be until we got to school today and mrs chase had on her see you later alligator t-shirt, read to them one last time, the book see you later alligator, and then went through their goodbye rhyme 

one more time together as a class. When she started hugging each child goodbye I couldn't keep it together anymore. It wasn't just misty eyes, it was tears pouring down my face. I hugged her too and told her how incredibly thankful we are for her. There is just nothing like having a teacher who loves your child like her own. I can't believe the emotion welling up in me today.... 

I cried the whole way home, all through lunch, and every time drew says "mommy" and begins to tell me something in his little boy voice the tears come back. And needless to say, I'm a total mess right now. To mrs chase: you do the most incredible job, and our family will forever adore you. 

Now I'm just sorting through the papers and books he brought home with him today. Thinking I'm done crying, then turning a page, and starting all over again. Maybe tomorrow the outburst will be over? 

Daily Snapshot

I've been writing a lot lately. But it's all been in my head, and none on here. You go through seasons, ya know? Sometimes I am writing about whatever comes to my mind, not being picky at all, sometimes I just don't want to write unless it's something really profound. One of the reasons I started this blog was to try to be better at documenting life, so that one day I could go back and remember. So I might now have a whole lot of profound to say tonight, but there is a lot of remembering to be done.

I paused after I wrote that first paragraph and I just read this article. Oh. My. Goodness. Truth. Truth so profound I was laughing out loud relating to being ruled by the small army of children I created to feeling the tears roll down my cheeks thinking about how this stage is already going so fast and I don't want it to ever end. (you should read the article. then come back)

I tell people all the time, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but if I could stay here forever I would do it. When Shaun comes home from work each day the relief that sweeps over me as I see his truck pull into the driveway is like a tangible force. The reinforcements are here. The back-up troops have arrived. Sweet Lord I made it to this point in the day.

This motherhood thing has been harder than usual lately. Drew hasn't napped in almost 2 years, and now Isaiah isn't napping every day anymore either. Jaden is hit or miss... he naps four hours one day and a half hour the next and I never know what kind of day it's going to be until it's happening. We are in a weird, no-routine funk and I don't have any moment of the day to myself anymore and we are all driving each other crazy (in the best and most loving of ways.) For the last week our house has been swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. And I'm just hanging onto the pendulum for dear life, trying to be some kind of anchor of stability, but my brain is so frazzled I literally can't remember what I should be doing next, then I remember I made a list, then I can't find my list. Then I think, oh well, who cares about the list, I just need to be the.... crap, what was the word?? That thing that is part of a ship? It holds it in place so it doesn't move??? Dang it what was the word? ANCHOR! Seriously, I lose my words all the time. (Besides telling people this is the hardest thing I've ever done, I also tell them I used to be smart.)

I totally digress.... Anyway, our house goes from well behaved little boys painting water color pictures at the counter all happy and content one minute, to three boys fighting and screaming in the living room the next. Usually the fighting starts because one boy was pretending to be a T-rex and attacking the other boy, saying that he is a long-neck, while the other boy screams that he's not a long neck and doesn't want to play dinosaurs, while the third boy just wants to be in the middle of all the action until he gets knocked down, then he glares at me from under his furrowed eyebrows while sitting on his squishy little bum like "how could you let this happen to me?!?!" And I don't know whether to deal with the boy who is screaming, the boy who is instigating, or the toddler/baby who is reaching to be in my arms first. (Speaking of instigating... they know and use the word "instigator" often... I think they think an instigator is a distant relative of an alligator, and they know that who ever is being the gator is being the bad one, and it cracks me up hearing a big word like that coming out of their little mouths...) Then sometimes, they are playing go-fish in the living room calmly and sweetly one minute, running into the kitchen to show me their favorite fish cards, giggling and talking together, and then, BAM. I still don't know what happened exactly, but I think one boy's foot brushed against another boy's card pile, and that boy is a little bit of a perfectionist, and the un-tidy card pile was apparently reason enough for a full body contact football tackle that caught the big-footed boy completely off guard. Then the boy with the feet retaliates by kicking the rest of the card pile clear across the living room floor, which leads to screaming on the part of both parties. And the littlest boy? He screams just to feel like he's part of the group. (I mean, you wouldn't want to be the only one not screaming when it's clearly the cool thing to do.... our poor neighbors.) Also a possible scenario... you send them all up the stairs to get ready for bed.... one is diligently changing into pajamas, one decides to go into the bathroom and steal his big brother's toothbrush, and one decides to neglect his pajama-changing duties altogether in favor of one more run down the hall way pushing his big tractor... only he is staring down at the tractor and his rapidly running feet so intently that he doesn't see the space heater looming in front of him, and he crashes into it with all his might square in the forehead, and within seconds he is absolutely wailing, and your husband is running downstairs to fetch a bag of frozen veggies for you to put on the big purple bump, and your oldest son is finding your youngest son sneakily using his toothbrush at the exact same time and now they are having a shrieking toothbrush stand-off and your head feels like it might explode too even though it wasn't your head that crashed the tractor into the space heater... (p.s. these are all real-life scenarios that have taken place within the last 24 hours in our home)

Welcome to my life, where things are not perfect.... I trust you can relate? Finally yesterday Shaun and I talked, we decided we have had enough of the screaming and chaos, and we developed a strategy. When the fighting breaks out, both Drew and Isaiah go to separate rooms for time outs, they can come back when they have a change in attitude. As for Jaden, he usually just picks a room and puts himself into time out with one of them even though he did nothing wrong (other than increasing the decibel levels). After all, if big brothers are in time out, it must be the place to be. Shaun encouraged me before he left today, "stay strong, this might be all you do all day, but you can do it." (It wasn't long after he got home today that I laid across our bed face down and mumbled that I was putting up my "out of office" away message...)

During one of the earlier time outs of the day I was working in the kitchen, and Isaiah was sitting on the steps, and I could hear him talking... "I'm getting ready to be in a different attitude. I am almost done my bad attitude. Mommy, now it's my good attitude coming!" And I was cracking up. In the most un-likely of times these boys make me laugh hysterically. Sometimes against my will. When they would come out of time out I would make them show me their smile so I could see their good attitudes. Isaiah would give me this totally cheesy, squinty eyed, close lipped smile, Drew would be smiling genuinely, but trying to hide it behind his hands because he's not so open with his emotions, and the smile was getting the upper-hand despite his best efforts to stay serious. 

Can I just say though, while the time-outs were innumerable, and at times I felt like I was stuck in a repeating loop over and over, I think maybe we got somewhere today? Shaun had worship practice tonight, so I was by myself for bed time routine, and after all three of their little bodies were changed into jammies, and their teeth were all brushed, and they were all tucked into covers, and Drew had chosen the bed time story of how Nehemiah re-builds the wall, and we read together and everyone relaxed into quiet, all three of them clinging to me in some way, Jaden nursing, Drew wanting my arm around him, Isaiah holding my hand and giving me kisses... Oh my word. These boys. I can't get enough of them. Someday I will have to let them go. As they were falling asleep I was praying for their future wives. It hurts so bad to think of giving them up, but I know it will be right when the time comes, and it only makes me all the more thankful for these days that I am the girl in their life. That they whisper that they love me, that they kiss my hands, that they come to me for their hugs and want to snuggle, the way I nuzzle my face into their soft little cheeks and necks more times in a day than I can count, that they are learning what love looks like, and that I get to be the one to show them their worth... it is more than I can handle. The preciousness of it all overwhelms my heart. What in the world was God thinking when he put these souls into our home, all together, and saw me fit to raise them up? He sees more in me than I know is there. Because somehow even when I feel like I am "out of office", all it takes is one little hand to reach for me and I just can't resist.

As I scan my memory and the details of the day flash in my eyes, I see so many sweet moments scattered in amongst the crazy. Drew waking up in our bed this morning, rolling over to see me watching him sleeping, his sweet little smile coming into his face as he looked back at me. Isaiah asking me to help him pick out his clothes, choosing the red shirt with the lion emblem on it, getting himself dressed and so proudly showing me he remembered to put underwear on today. Isaiah taking the juice cups to the breakfast table for everyone. Painting canvases at the counter together. Picking Jaden up and setting him down about a million times, shifting his baby weight onto my hip, the familiar feel of his little hands holding onto my arm. Drew's fruit-on-the-bottom cherry yogurt at lunch being turned into a volcano in his imagination. Holding them on my lap watching Peter Pan in the afternoon. The hundred smiles, their eyes looking into mine, their beautiful little faces so full of life.

I'd stay here forever if I could.

Rest & Create

As this year began and I was coming out of a season of busy where pretty much every minute had something assigned to it and there wasn't much margin for error I was so excited for the breathing room of giving space to my dreams. My words for this season are "rest" and "create." I want to be intentional about setting aside time to just rest. This doesn't mean excess sleep for me these days.... sometimes when you have a baby who is up sick all night and you finally fall asleep at 6:00 a.m. only to be woken up by the needs of your other two at 8:00 a.m. you can either stress over lack of sleep and the fact that you are exhausted or you can remember that your word is rest, and so after breakfast is made you leave the dishes, you put on a movie, and you get cozy in blankets with your babes and snuggle together until almost lunch time. This is rest for me.

And then sometimes you carve out space for rest and it looks like going into the basement, finding your leftover gallon and a half of gray paint and a paint brush and starting to paint your kitchen like you've wanted to do for years. And the painting takes you five days at a relaxed pace (and the stairwell still isn't done but that's ok because you're looking at the progress instead of what's left to do still) and you realize that giving yourself permission to rest awakens energy and creativity and sometimes you get more done than you would have if you were pushing yourself. Turns out creating is also rest for me.

So far resting has been such an amazing paradox. It is finding what makes my soul come alive and simply responding to it. It is leaving my calendar somewhat clear, not scheduling every second, and it feels like space to breathe. It is refreshing and energizing. Sometimes it looks like not worrying about what time I have to wake up, actually watching a movie and staying up until midnight (last night!) and sometimes it looks like staying on my routine to the letter, keeping all the dishes washed, the laundry done, the house picked up... It is extending grace and giving myself permission to fully live in the things that awaken my passion. Energy and fulfillment are by-products of living a life of passion. Deadlines, un-flexible schedules, and graceless-ness are passion killers for me. Not that deadlines and structure are bad things, but I can't look too far ahead or I get overwhelmed. And so as we begin this year those two words, rest and create, have guided many of my goals.

As we approached this year while I was still in my season of busy I would jokingly say that I was going to sleep the month of january, clean my house the month of february, and spend as much time with the Lord and my boys as possible, and beyond that I had no idea. Shaun and I had a really fun conversation one evening about our goals in our relationship with each other and as a family. It's been fun refining and categorizing the things I hope to do, the changes I hope to make.

Here's my rough list of goals for this year. There are more, but these are the basics.

Spiritual

Bible Study
chronological Bible reading
be optimistic, express gratitude at every opportunity

Marriage

Monthly Date Night

Continue to keep myself vulnerable
serve Shaun without expectation, out of genuine love

Family

Dinner time (boys stay at table til we're all done, talk about our days, ask to be excused, take their dishes to the sink)

Devotional time all together before bed

teach my kids the fruit of the spirit
give the boys jobs that teach them how to serve each other and our family

House

Kitchen Cabinets & walls
gallery wall in family room
paint basement office
continue progress in master bedroom
purge/re-organize/take care of what we already have
keep working toward our "dream" 

Photography

create a website 

Physical 

give running a try (starting in march)
better posture

So many of these things I have already started, some I have even finished, some I am intimidated by, some I haven't begun yet at all, but I know that I want to continue to grow as a person, and something that seems hard just because I've never done it before I might look back on someday and think it was easy. The best way to stretch yourself beyond where you are at is to do something you think is impossible or crazy. Then when you go back to normal life it suddenly seems much easier than before. 

Remembrance

If I don't pause to look back and remember then I will surely forget.
If I don't take the time to see where I have come from I have much less appreciation for where I am currently at.
If I don't stop to reflect I miss the richness of all that I have gained in the valleys and all I have celebrated on the mountain tops.
You won't find me complaining, but neither will you find me re-writing the truth to exclude the hard things. Instead you will find me telling our story in all honesty, hard parts and all, but in a way where every time I look back and I can clearly see that God redeems every. single. thing. and works it for our good. Always.

So I sit still. And I look back. 2014. We have grown, oh how we have grown. We have been saved all over again. And we have welcomed into a wide open-arm embrace these full and raw and joyful and painful emotions, all vying for the front of our hearts at the same time. We have lived full and we have lived wide awake. I am thankful for 2014, but I leave it behind in a strange sort of way... It has grown me and changed me in ways I wouldn't trade for anything, but I kind of hope 2015 is a bit smoother of a ride.

So let's start at the beginning.

Last January we were in a scary place as a family. We didn't even know it, but we were at a crossroads, and we were starting down a path that looked innocent enough to us, but now stepping back from it all and seeing it for what it was, that path led to a dark place, and it is no wonder I felt all the questions and hesitancy in my spirit during that time. It was nothing so obvious or terrible, but it was a choosing of the world over a choosing of heaven. And little choices that take us away from the Lord can lead to bigger choices that take us somewhere we never intended to go. Maybe you remember the hardest week of motherhood I've experienced yet  that came at me out of nowhere last January while Shaun was away on a business trip. That week culminated in Drew's febrile seizure, an ambulance ride to the hospital, finally getting my husband back from his trip across the country, only there were hard things we were working through in marriage in the midst of all that which God has totally healed and mended now, but I still choose to keep private. What you might not know though, because I never shared it on here before is that in the first week of February Drew had another, afebrile seizure in his sleep. I can hardly bring myself to go back, and yet it was during all this that God totally re-directed our family and "saved us all over again..." and so even though it makes me feel like I might suffocate under the weight of that deep terror that I fought off with all my might that night as I drove him to the hospital again, in the middle of an ice storm no less, and stifled wave after wave of panic attacks and thoughts like "I can't live without my Drew bug..." as I remember calling friends from church, fighting back tears, begging for prayer that fear would not overtake me as I faced the unknowns, as I held Drew in the lobby of the e.r., him so sleepy, but finally awake enough to communicate, as we looked at the fish swimming in the tank together and I pushed back every nightmarish thought trying to break down the doors of my mind and instead named the colors of the fish with Drew and soaked in his precious little voice, the feel of his hands around my neck, his head resting on my chest.... I also remember the beauty of coming home around 3:00 a.m. (my dad drove me home through the worst of the ice storm so I could come back to nurse Jaden, and Shaun came to stay the night at the hospital with Drew) and coming into a dark and quiet house to find Shaun's Bible sitting open on the counter, post-it notes inside it scribbled with his thoughts and prayers as he waited to hear from me in the e.r. And with Jaden sleeping in my arms I broke down in the kitchen, tears streaming from my eyes at the beautiful, tender, and yet bold words he had written in his desperation. I finally fell asleep that night listening to branches in the huge trees in our back yard snapping under the weight of the ice, landing on our fence and fracturing it in several places, but with a peace that God saw us and was holding us. After several days at the hospital we chose not to go through with recommended tests after they saw an abnormality on an eeg, we proclaimed the words the Lord had spoken to us over Drew, we brought him home, we keep close watch over him when we first put him to bed, and he has been fine ever since. And he will continue to be fine. I remember when Shaun called me to tell me about the abnormality on the eeg, panic totally seized me again and Isaiah came walking into the kitchen at that moment singing his little heart out "DEATH IS BEATEN, LOVE HAS CONQUERED, WE HAVE THE VICTORY!!!" God reassured us in every possible way that He had us in His hands, that everything was going to be alright, that we could trust Him. And so we did. And the victories we experienced, in our marriage, in Drew, in our family, in every area of our life really, as we put our complete faith in Jesus all over again was undeniable. Everything changed. We were re-born, again. We have continually filled our home with worship, we have fixed our eyes on the Lord and removed all other idols, and the peace we have experienced is so, so deep. I remember the day Drew came home from the hospital, my sister called to see how things were going, and in the background she could hear Drew and Isaiah fighting... they were both trying to get things out of the refrigerator at the same time and battling over who had control of the door, and Randi and I were both laughing because we had never been so happy to hear the two of them fighting. Life is such a matter of perspective.

February. My best friend in the world, my sister, moved away. But here again, in her moving God did so much. First, I realized more fully just how much I appreciate my baby sister. Second, God used her absence along with other situations to unveil deeper issues in my heart and to bring me to a place where I depend on His love and affirmation alone for my fulfillment. And lastly and most importantly, her moving ultimately led to her and Nate's marriage, and it is the most beautiful and wonderful thing ever. I feel so close to her even though there's distance and the every day life isn't happening alongside each other, it is such a cool thing to be intentional in my phone calls, my questions, to know that the miles can't stop the memories, and to feel her intentionality in doing the same for me. There is this really sweet and warm feeling to know that we both matter to each other, and to feel the effort we are both putting in. Also in february Shaun and I went out for our valentines date to a local pizza shop and had the best heart to heart talk ever, the one that really set the tone for all the changes that began and continued through this past year.

March. I turned twenty seven. We began to get back into a normal groove of life. I did my first photo shoot since having Jaden, and from that point on was always fully booked through the end of the year, which is more than I could have possibly hoped for. (Thank you so much to all of you who trusted me and hired me for your photos this past year!!) April and May found me painting different rooms in our home, working on photography, contemplating simplifying life.... (still a work in progress!!) We also were part of a church wide fast in April leading up to Easter that totally re-vamped my perception of fasting and was an awesome time for us that solidified the direction we were heading. And at the end of May Shaun's sister and her husband moved here from Kansas City, began completely renovating and updating a house on his parents' farm, and we've gotten the privilege over the past seven months of doing life with Shaun's family as a complete family unit. I love it so much. I truly have the best in-laws. They are not just family, they are friends. I've especially loved getting to know Brittany's husband Tre in a daily life sort of way. I really, really admire his integrity, trustworthiness, conviction, honesty, energy for the Lord... the list could go on. Tuesday night family dinners at Shaun's parents' house are so special to me, and a beautiful constant in this season of life.

June ushered in a season of one celebration after another. I went with my little brother to help him pick out a ring for Mary. Right after buying the ring we had a family vacation in Sanbridge, which was just an absolutely wonderful, amazing, refreshing time where I really felt we were coming into a new season. When we came home I got to photograph my brother's engagement, which was the biggest honor ever. A few weeks later, over fourth of July weekend, my sister got engaged also, and an October wedding was planned for my brother, a December wedding for my sister. That of course meant bridal showers in September and November, along with the fall celebrations of Isaiah's third birthday, Drew's fifth birthday , Jaden's first birthday, and our seventh anniversary, not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas, of course. Drew started pre-school, and normal life didn't stop during that time either. ;)

The best thing in the world for me in this season was learning to enjoy and be present in the moment without letting the stress of tomorrow and all the things I still had left on my to-do list steal from me. I'm not saying it went flawlessly, or that I learned my lesson once and then skipped through the rest of the year without feeling the weight of any stress. It was a daily choosing, a taking charge of my emotion and attitude, deciding what I would focus on and where my joy would come from. I didn't always succeed, but I made huge strides of progress. I learned that thankfulness and expressing gratitude are the key to switching off negativity and switching on optimism and joy. 

In every moment of every event, whether it was celebration or tears, I felt Jesus right there with me. The promise that nothing will come into my life that He won't use for my good. 

I am beyond thankful for the past 365 days.

For the lives of my loved ones.

For the beauty that can be found in every day.

For my husband, my wonderful, adorable, humorous and loving husband. :)

For the faithfulness of Jesus. 

A Happy New Year to you! 

xoxo

Little Bits of it all

I have been feeling shy of writing a post because I often like to have my thoughts all organized and know what specific topic I'm writing about before I begin. But I just don't feel like that's going to happen in this post's case. I'm not putting it off any longer. So here goes me diving into the random and un-organized mess of my thoughts.

For about a week after we came home from our Sandbridge vacation, where I got to spend a full week with my sister, I was in a weird place. I don't know how to describe it exactly, other than to say I felt lonely. After a week with my beloved baby sister, I came home and was just missing that daily kind of friendship so badly. On top of that I was putting myself down in my thinking. I am usually able to mentally pull myself out of a negative thought pattern fairly quickly, but in this case it took a few days. So the combination of missing my sister living here, of finding my self-worth in the wrong places and feeling rejected because of it, and of comparing myself to others all at the same time took a little toll on me. But praise Jesus, even when I can't pull myself back up to high ground, He can. I felt like the Lord told me to tell the spirit of rejection to leave me alone. And so I did, in His name. And I immediately felt free again. Free to be who I was created to be, free to find fulfillment in exactly what He has placed in front of me to do. Free to be confident in who I am without relying on the opinion of others. I read a quote (and I'm so sorry I can't remember where!) that said "If I give them the power to feed me, I give them the power to starve me." In other words, if we base our happiness and self-worth on another persons opinion or treatment of us, we might sometimes feel full and gratified, and other times feel completely deprived and desperate. The only way to find consistent and un-ending satisfaction and confidence is to fix our gaze on what Jesus sees when He looks at us. Because His opinion of us is unwavering, steady, constant, and so full of love and value that we will never want for anything in His presence. And I want to cry just writing of the love that He has for me. Truly, truly like the love you have for your own baby, only infinitely more powerful and life-changing and perfect. without ever failing. How deep the Father's love for me. How vast beyond all measure. He saves me over and over and I will never stop being thankful beyond words.

So now you have a small idea of why I was absent from sharing my thoughts here for a while... I shared lots of photography and some outfit inspiration, but it was hard to go deep for a bit. So thankful to feel restored again.

And now... let me wipe my tears out of my eyes and switch gears to a totally random and funny motherhood bit... :)
I shared before about how Isaiah was potty training himself there for a little while. I didn't forbid him from it, but I pretty strongly encouraged him to continue using a diaper for the time being. I just wasn't feeling ready for potty training a few months ago. But now I am! So cool how life becomes more and more normal and your ability to do things with more children than before returns a little bit at a time. Anyway, diapers are a downer to spend your entire shopping budget for the month on, so potty training it is!! We have had four successful days of underwear in a row. No conventional potty training accidents where they poop or pee in their pants at all. But wait, before you go saying how amazing that is, let me be honest with you and tell you that we have had several un-conventional potty training accidents that could only happen with Isaiah. Of course, they all involve poop. So if you don't think poop is funny, you might want to stop reading. Ok, incident number one. Jaden was playing with toys on my bedroom floor. I was re-making the boys bed in their room (which I do all. the. time. or so it feels like) Isaiah was in the bathroom, requesting privacy and pooping on his little elmo potty. Or so I thought. All of the sudden I hear Jaden crying and I go running to my room only to find that Isaiah snuck out of the bathroom after finishing number 2, and in his proud attempt to show Jaden that he did, in fact, succeed at his endeavors and the proof was in the poo on his hiney, he stuck his rear up to Jaden's face and got poo in his hair. I KNOW. SO GROSS! Fortunately it was just a tiny bit, and none ended up on his face... But poor Jaden!!! Oh the scars of being a littlest brother! Who would have thought that cleaning up from Isaiah's potty going success would include bathing Jaden? Like I said... only Isaiah. And then yesterday... Isaiah was upstairs going number 2 without me knowing (the boy has been able to remove his own pants and diaper since ages ago) and I was on the phone. All of the sudden I see nakey Isaiah coming down the steps with pure joy on his face.... and doo doo all over his foot. How did it get there??! I have no clue. But it had been tracked through the bathroom, down the hall way, and down the steps.... I dropped the phone, ran to scoop him up before any more tracks were made, and spent the next 5 minutes spraying and wiping the carpet.... then I remembered my bestie was still on the phone. Thankfully she now has three boys of her own, and she totally gets this kind of stuff. :)  I do need to add... in addition to his creatively crazy moments, Isaiah has so many legitimately sweet moments too... On the fourth of July we were all in my parents' pool together and Shaun was hugging me and Isaiah looks at us and says with a little smirk "You guys love each other." And I was like "Yeah we do." And then he says, "And we love you guys too." No lie. Exact quote. And he's two. The boy is a little romantic in the making.

My Drew bug. He doesn't get into so much messy drama as Isaiah does, but he is quite the investigative negotiator. He asks me questions non-stop. All the time. About everything. And he's so observant. One of my favorite recent interrogations by him was on our way to Shaun's parents' house for family dinner. We drove by a field where they were bailing hay. (Or straw... whatever it was. I was not a farm girl growing up.) Drew asked what they were doing, how they were doing it, why they were doing it, where they were taking it... and then my favorite. "Daddy, how big is the hay wagon?" Shaun said, "It's pretty big buddy." "But how tall is it?" "Umm, probably about 16 feet." "How tall is 16 feet?" Shaun:"Ummm...." Drew: "Like the size of a small tree?" Yes, yes, probably about the size of a small tree. Love the way his mind works. :) Earlier that day we had gone to Lowe's to get paint for the laundry room. We were sitting in the van afterwards and I was nursing Jaden before we left when Drew saw a lady pushing a mower back into the store. "Mommy, why is that lady pushing her mower into the store?" "I don't know buddy, maybe it's broken." "How did it get broken?" "I don't know sweetie, I don't know that lady." "Hmm... did it cut high grass and the grass got all stuck in the blades and that's how it got broken?" "Maybe sweetheart, I'm not sure." "Or did she mow grass and run over a stick and the stick poked a hole in the blades and that's how it got broken?" "I'm not sure buddy, but that's a good guess."........... The boy is a genius. I'm sure of it. And yes, I'm his mother and I have very high opinions of him. Naturally. :) And the negotiator part? Whatever my idea of what he should be doing it, he has his own ideas to add to it. Always. "Well how 'bout if we..." I can just hear him saying it.

And Jaden Saylor!! My little sugar shug. He is the most angelic little baby ever. Truly. He is so content and happy. He says "mamama" all the time now. He loves just sitting and playing with a toy or two (our orange guitar is his favorite) in whatever room we are in. He is starting to push his toys away just so he can see how far he can stretch to reach and pull them back again. And he dances. Almost knocks himself over doing it, but he dances so cute. And he waves and says "hiuhhihhihuh." (Can you pronounce that??)  And he is the best eater I've had yet. He will try anything and is so easy to spoon feed. I could just squeeze him all day long.

Yes. Random, random. This is my life. :) I did manage to paint our laundry room over the last few days, and I LOVE how it came out... can't wait to show you some photos in the near future, but I have one or two finishing things to do before I take pictures :)

And P.S!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!!! She got engaged July 4th weekend. So in case you missed it, now my brother (and Mary) and my sister (and Nate) are both planning weddings before the end of the year. So much family celebration to come this fall!! And I'm doing Randi's engagement photos in about a month... Having so much fun planning for them! :)