Just Be

This week has had to be a little slower with us fighting colds. There's a kettle of water steaming on the stove right now, some of us are still in our pajamas, and pooh bear is playing in the living room. It looks like a beautiful fall day outside, and I'd love to go for a walk later if we're all feeling up to it. It feels like October is more fleeting than ever this year, I can't believe this is the last weekend of it already. It helps to look back through my photos and see all the ways we've enjoyed it already though. Roasted vegetables, pumpkins everywhere, apple cider almost every trip to the grocery store, homemade breads and soups, celebrating Drew and Jaden's birthdays, powdered sugar lips on Isaiah's school field trip to the orchard, dressing my babies in knits and flannels and fleece, playing in the leaves... There's been a lot of coloring at the kitchen table the last few weeks, a lot of personal stretching and growth, rough moments and beautiful victories intermingled together in that dance that is life.

I'm in this season where I'm really digging into what self-care looks like. I suppose it all started with my desire to simplify life and saying no to everything I could all summer. With the beginning of September I decided to open myself back up and try to pour out all that I could to people around me. People literally came knocking on our door for help right within what felt like minutes of making that decision. Within a week I had hit the limits of my own resources. I'd been getting up extra early, babysitting for neighbors, trying to be there for others in difficult situations, and hit hard in private situations as well. Then the shame and discouragement of not being able to "do it all" set in.... Seriously, why do we all think we should be able to do everything?? I went up for prayer at church one Sunday morning and someone prayed with me and shared that IT IS OK FOR MY FAMILY TO BE MY FIRST (AND SOMETIMES ONLY) MINISTRY RIGHT NOW. Relief. It couldn't have come from a better person, someone who I know has a heart to help those in need more than almost anyone else I know. We listened to a message this week about how you can't give what you don't have, what it looks like to be self-aware, know what you are operating out of, and take a break if you just don't have anymore to pour out.

I have a huge burden inside me to help people in need around me. But I also have a bigger burden to not sacrifice my family to accomplish this. I want to be healthy. I want to be balanced. I'm still learning what this looks like. I am trying to put into place people and resources that will help me learn what this looks like and live it out practically.

The hardest bit to all of this is where I care what other people think about me. It's easy to imagine that people might call me selfish when they don't have a clue what's going on behind the scenes or why I said no to something. It's easy to wonder if people think my life is perfect just because I don't share publicly the hard stuff going on? I'm not a broadcaster of trials. I'm not a defamer of people. I'm not an open book to the world when I'm in pain or processing. I process internally and with close friends. I like to speak positively. I like to be encouraging. I love to share joy, beauty, truth, life.... That's what I share publicly. All of this to say, this is an interesting season for sure... I've stepped back from photography in an effort to be more present with my family in these next few months and to let the creativity in that art flow from a place of joy and inspiration rather than be forced and scheduled and full of pressure (most that I put on myself). It doesn't make sense to step back from something that can be very competitive, but it feels right to do. When I pick it back up again I have faith that if it is supposed to continue to be part of my life that He will make it happen. It feels like things are all a little shaky, that there is shifting happening, that I am weighing out priorities and making big decisions that still feel a bit cloudy in nature. It feels like letting go of the things I've found my identity in and finding that I am someone outside of the things that I do. There is someone inside me that I just am. It is a place of rest that feels unnatural and I find myself fighting. But I keep hearing/feeling the invitation to just come rest in His arms and be. And I have the strangest feeling that when I stop fighting and learn to do that, to not let it matter so much what people think, to not fear letting go of things I've found my identity in, that maybe, just maybe, I'll meet myself there.

Reflecting on 2015

Coming off the whirlwind of a year that 2014 was I had declared the beginning of 2015 a season of rest. I remember telling people I was going to sleep the whole month of January. But it turned out that when I gave myself the opportunity to rest and kept our schedule open, things like painting our kitchen cabinets and walls happened instead. Things like organizing my closet, and hanging a framed photo collage of family pictures in our basement living room. Unhurried, simple things that brought life and creativity back to me, those things were rest. I loved just being in my home, taking my time, and I long for a season like that again now. It's quite a good way to spend January. The beginning of this past year seems like a soft, gentle blur almost... There was a piece of it pierced by tragedy and extreme sadness and confusion, but I feel like the Lord has already healed the deep hurts from it and used it in a way to bring good into our marriage. He sent godly counsel to us to help us process it all right from the beginning, and I am so thankful for that.  I had goals to start running and getting back in shape again. But first I needed to have my right knee checked out to make sure it was ok to start (I had acl surgery on it my junior year in highschool, and it was hurting again) I scheduled the MRI for the middle of May. They told me to take a pregnancy test a few days before the MRI. I was sure there was no way I was pregnant, we had been planning on the MRI, knew it was coming, and being careful.... Well, I got up early in the morning a few days before the MRI and took a test, and if I squinted I could see a faint line. Oh. My. Gosh. It wasn't crystal clear, but it was exactly how my first test with Drew and Jaden both were. I remember tip toeing to our bed in the semi-darkness and waking Shaun to tell him.... I might be. His eyes popped open. WHAT?! I waited two days and took another test. And yes. It was confirmed. There was a baby on the way, and the MRI and plans of running again were canceled. And I remember feeling such an indescribable joy thinking of how God's plans are so much better than our own, and just embracing the idea that our fourth baby was on the way and being so, so excited. Around 7 weeks along I remember falling asleep one night when I had an incredibly strong feeling that this baby was a girl. I told Shaun. Then we waited 8 more weeks and had an ultrasound at 15 weeks that confirmed. Yes, this baby was our daughter. A daughter we had prayed and hoped for, and here she was on her way when we didn't even know it was in our plans. I felt like I was hanging onto the balloon strings of my heart as it sailed out of my body. My throat was tight with so much emotion. It took me about 5 weeks and another ultrasound to confirm for sure, for sure, that it was a girl until I let my heart go in full anticipation of all that a baby girl would mean to our family.

I spent most of the summer sick. My way of coping was to let everything I possibly could go, and I would just take the boys to my parents' pool to swim most days while I tried to feed myself and rest and fight the nausea. I don't think the sickness was as extreme as it's been in past pregnancies, and I was able to eat more fruits and veggies and tried to take better care of myself in the midst of it. I loved all the days spent at the pool with my boys. We took a family weekend to the beach in June, and even though I was throwing up in the hotel, something about the ocean and waves on the beach would really help to calm my sickness. I learned about choosing joy in the middle of not feeling well. Through other events, and combined with the tragedy that happened in the middle of the winter, June also found Shaun and I in the best place we've ever been in as husband and wife. Complete, total honesty and vulnerability, an extreme pursuit of each other, deep gratefulness and protection of our marriage, and intentionality in the way we expressed love and served each other. I can't say enough how thankful I am for that season. It laid a foundation that we are still building on now and we feel so strong together. It really is amazing how the Lord takes tragedy and difficult situations and refines them into these precious treasures that have the potential to be the most beautiful pieces of our lives. We had a vacation with my whole family in July before my sister and her husband moved to Minnesota, and while I was still sick, it was such an awesome week together. I had thought for years that when Shaun turned 30 I wanted to  have a surprise birthday party for him. His birthday was coming in August. I took what seemed to be the simple route, hired the Marriott in Lancaster, rented a really cool room and had them cater all the food and do all the decorating. I had a specific budget, but they worked with me and went above and beyond what I asked for. All that we had to do was get dressed and go spend the evening with our friends. It was one of my favorite parties ever, ever, ever. We had so much fun, I didn't want the night to ever end. Somewhere in that end of August time frame, still battling nausea although it was beginning to get less, I had a little break down because all the things I had put off all summer came crashing back in at me at once, and I just didn't feel physically capable of handling it all. In my weakness He is strong, and somehow everything got done that needed to get done. Isaiah turned four (we went to the Plumpton Park Zoo), Drew started kindergarten at the beginning of September, we celebrated my sister in law's baby shower over labor day weekend, and right when I needed it the most we had a week long vacation in the OBX with two other amazing families. During that week away every little bit of stress and worry and anxiety and sickness completely melted off of me. I felt like a completely different person coming home from that trip. I am so thankful for the timing of it and the invitation to spend that quality time with people who love Jesus and spark life and energy in us, encouraging us and being the most amazing friends. (Ben, Camille, Paul, & Rachelle... thank you so much for asking us on that trip.... we loved every second!)

Once home from our September beach trip fall was beginning full force. And as always, the fall is my very favorite. I was so taken over with the beauty all around me. Drew turned six (we went to Cherry Crest Farms, and did the corn maze there), Jaden turned two (we had such a family fall day at longwood gardens and going out to eat at Ruby's diner), and we welcomed my first sweet niece, Selah Joy, into the world all in October. Let me tell you, this little girl is so very precious. I have never felt quite like this about anyone else's baby before.... She is beautiful and I miss her when I don't get to see her. I am so excited for my baby girl to grow up with her sweet cousin and see the two of them form a little friendship!
And in the midst of all the joyful milestones of life all around us a family nearby suffered the greatest loss I  can imagine, their precious baby girl who was just a few months younger than Isaiah went to be with Jesus. I can't describe the way it has impacted my heart and mind, the depth of daily gratitude it is cultivating in me, that we really don't know how many days or breaths we have with the ones we love, to make every second count, and to just be thankful in the hard moments that my kids are ALIVE. As I hung up the Christmas card we got from this precious family on Christmas Eve just a little over a week ago I just began sobbing. Once I got my emotions under control I went and found each of my boys, and just hugged them. I know that any emotion I have in regards to it all is just a drop in the ocean of what this family is feeling and going through. But I feel like my heart has been bound to theirs, and I pray for them and think of them daily. Even while just getting to know them, I feel a deep spiritual connection and a desire to lift them up continually, and to let what they are going through change me and who I am as a mother, and the way I react to life.

November.... lots and lots of nesting. I felt like I needed to get things done before the holidays, and did as much as I could, leaving a few specific things for these couple of weeks between Christmas and baby girl's arrival. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving, loved the weeks following, preparing for Christmas with our boys this year was at an all-time excitement level... They are at such fun ages and loved every part of it and wanted to help with everything. I kept telling myself all the while, as excited as I was for January, and as much as my mind kept trying to race ahead, I did not want to rush this time. I soaked it in as much as I could. We had candle light dinners, and played family hide and seek with only Christmas lights on inside, and took a trip to Longwood gardens to see the lights, and I organized Drew's class Christmas party... we baked cookies and we all slept in our basement family room around our tree as has become tradition. Just yesterday we went to see The Miracle of Christmas at Sight & Sound. It was magical and wonderful. I really don't want it to be over. But I also want to put everything away before baby girl comes. So I am stuck right there at the moment. Savoring these last few days of Drew's break from school, nesting more when I can, trying to decide if I'll take down the tree today or tomorrow...

And looking so forward to all that 2016 holds. I've never started a new year off with a new baby, and I am so excited for that this time. Her bassinette is all set up in our room. Her carseat is ready to go. Her nursery is just about completed, I just need to spend a little time organizing the closet still. My mom is going to come over to help me clean early next week. I have a hair appointment scheduled for some fresh highlights... That's the next few weeks. Beyond that the changes are so big that I can hardly think about them. I can't wait to share that news here when it's a bit more official. I feel like God is going to show me how to move forward in big things without letting sentimentality hold me back so much this year. And as in every year past of my life, I know that whatever He does will be for our good, and I trust Him.

The gift this pregnancy has given me

I've been learning something through this pregnancy that I didn't learn through my first three.

I can choose joy despite how I feel.

In my past pregnancies, when I was so sick, I let the misery of what my body was feeling invade all of me. I just couldn't separate the sickness inside from how I expressed myself. It felt dishonest to smile when I wanted to cry. I was always excited when I found out I was pregnant, I prayed and contended for each baby that I've carried, but when I was in the throes of first trimester sickness I basically curled up into a ball on the sofa, focused on the way I felt, and probably didn't smile much for those first few months. I just tried to get through it, thinking I would express my excitement over the pregnancy when I was feeling better.

This time has been different. It doesn't matter if people understand how awful I feel just by looking at my facial expressions. Sometimes I truly can't hide it, but if I can focus on something other than the nausea it helps so much. If I can worship, if I can smile anyway, if I can say something loving to my husband, hug my babies, rest my hand on my abdomen and thank the Lord for the wondrous miracle taking place inside me. The joy that comes from those simple expressions is more real than my sickness. The joy that comes from taking my focus off the sickness and placing it on all that is good then begins to invade and overtake the misery. And I find that the honesty of the fact that the joy of the Lord is my strength is a truth that trumps whatever else I feel.

Granted, the sickness has been slightly different this time, a little less extreme, and comes in waves that are really bad and then less bad rather than a constant state of badness. But choosing joy in the face of it has been such an amazing thing.

I still lay down when I need to. I still eat when I need to. I'm not afraid to say "I need water with lemon NOW" when I need to. ;) But I am just consciously trying not to act miserable. Everything about the fact that I get to carry a baby is a gift, and I want to treat it as such.

In church yesterday the message was about making a trade with God. Asking Him for something good, and giving Him the not-good things we've been hanging onto in exchange. For me, that meant not asking him for joy but hanging onto misery and sickness with the other hand. It means asking for joy, and gladly releasing any rights to feel miserable or sick. "I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame.. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord." Yes and amen.

I had the most lovely fourth of July. I threw up many times, in between fireworks, before playing card games, again before bed.... and if that is what I focused on then maybe it wouldn't have been such fun. But instead of thinking about those fleeting moments of sickness, I choose to think of the coziness of the porch in the rain, being surrounded by people I love, watching my boys hold sparklers in amazement for the first time, the laughter and fun during the card game.... it was wonderful. It's still a struggle, when people ask me how I'm feeling I want to be honest, but I then after answering the question, I want to smile, and I really just don't want to dwell on it.

So here's last week, 10 weeks pregnant, feeling so nauseous, but choosing to wear a dress and smile anyway. Because why not?
I will express my joy in this pregnancy through the pleasant and the painful parts.
Because in choosing joy, it becomes the most overwhelming emotion. 

on staying vulnerable, even when it hurts.

There's this one New Year's goal I set for myself... it's been the most difficult and the most fulfilling at the same time.

It's keeping myself vulnerable to my husband. No matter how I'm feeling.

Somewhere along the timeline of my life, in more places than one, I felt the sting of rejection. I'm sure not near what some people have experienced, but still it hurt. From the time I was a little girl all the way through high school, I never felt that I quite belonged anywhere outside of my family. A private elementary school, the church I grew up in, eventually public middle and high school those beliefs of not belonging grew stronger and stronger. (My family was amazing, and I am so thankful for them, and my parents always encouraged me and prayed with me, they loved me through the hardest things.) Girls can be mean sometimes, and maybe they are really just fearing rejection too, but I reacted to the rejection in a typical way. I built walls around my heart. Through middle school the verse I repeated in my head the most often was "love your enemies, and pray for those who hurt you..." It felt like my purpose was to love the ones who were mean to me. By high school I told myself I didn't need anyone to be my friend, I would be a friend to other people and expect nothing back, that way I wouldn't be disappointed. (I'm sure I wasn't a very good friend to anyone with that mentality, always protecting myself, never really letting anyone in, but I didn't realize that at the time.) There was a boy who pursued me the beginning of my freshmen year that was very authentic and free in sharing his heart and feelings with me, and it scared me out of my mind when I thought about letting my own walls down, so I backed away from that relationship and instead veered toward one in which I was treated in a way that was familiar to me: competition, rejection, manipulation, jealousy... I spent two years in that relationship further emphasizing the building of my walls and the idea that I could be in a relationship where I only gave and didn't want or need anything back. And it sucked. (Please know, I am not blaming anyone, and I would guess some people didn't even know the way things hurt me. I was a kid and a teenager  in relationships with other kids and teenagers and I processed in my immature mind and I kept things to myself that maybe I could have spoken out and dealt with. The Lord has used every circumstance to shape and mold me, and I am thankful for all that has taken place in my life because it ultimately lead me to Him. Also would like to say- there has been mending, forgiveness, moving forward and grace in so many of the relationships that once hurt. Always, always God is a God of restoration and beauty from ashes.)

Finally, after those two years of bad boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, my family began attending a new church. I saw a boy playing drums on the worship team who really loved Jesus. And I thought in my head "If there is someone out there that really loves the Lord like that, why in the world am I settling for this??" I broke up with my boyfriend the next week. That boy playing drums turned out to be Shaun, who I didn't get to know very well until months later, but was the inspiration in my first step toward freedom and healthy relationship.

Sadly, instead of falling head over heels for Jesus as soon as I broke things off with my boyfriend, I got a little lost and spent some months hanging onto my identity as an athlete, pursuing popularity, etc.... One thing at a time all that I held onto got stripped away until it was only Jesus left to turn to. I will never forget the sweetness of that turning away from the world and turning toward my Savior. It's safe to say I hated who I was before that turn. I was living double minded, hated the decisions I made, but made them anyway, then couldn't stand myself. But somehow in Christ I found the strength to turn away from all that had previously defined me. Breaking the pattern of all that has enslaved you and realizing there is so much more life on the horizon than you ever dreamed has got to be the most elating and humbling feeling in the world. I remember a season where all I wanted to do was to journal in my room with a worship cd playing, pouring my heart out to the Lord. I have always processed by writing, and that was one of my favorite seasons. I put my heart and all my trust into the Lord, and I told Him my life was His. All I wanted to be was who He made me to be, all I wanted to do was pursue His heart. I fully let my walls down with the one who knew my heart better than I ever will myself. I still treasure reading back through that journal. Jesus did so much in me in that time. Sometimes gain looks like loss. That season may have looked like loss from the outside... loss of popularity, loss of "friends", loss of status as an athlete... but I gained more on the inside than the riches of this earth could ever measure.

Sometimes though, things that you thought you dealt with re-surface during marriage. I mean, when you give yourself to someone to become one with them and share a home with them and build a life with them, there is nowhere to hide the ugly when it comes out, and some things go deeper than you realized. Shaun is amazing. He has never given me a reason in the world to ever be afraid, to ever fear rejection, to ever put my walls up. But because it was a habit and my only defense mechanism for so many years, if I even thought there might be rejection coming, up the walls went. I would assume the worst, or go into "protect myself mode" even when he hadn't done something wrong, but something about the circumstance just reminded me, even just a little, of a past situation.

Praise the Lord, I finally saw what I was doing. I made a covenant this year to KEEP MY WALLS DOWN with my husband. To let him in. To assume the best. To hear him. To fight the battle together. That means that even if it's late at night and I have something on my mind that is making me mad, even when all that's in me wants to roll over and shut him out and go to sleep guarding my anger and shielding my heart, I need to turn toward him. I need to let go of anger. I need to fight for us. And know that he is never my enemy.

And that whole idea of only giving and never receiving in a relationship? No person can ever fulfill us, the ONLY source of fulfillment is Jesus Christ, and if we go looking for it solely in another person we will always be disappointed. But that idea that I am only supposed to give and will not ever get anything back was wrong too. It's a martyr complex, and it's not the way we were designed to live. It creates a bitter spirit from the beginning. God created a marriage to bring joy. Sometimes the joy is found in the fulfillment of a Proverb: "...he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed..." (Proverbs 11:25) As we love and serve our spouse we will be refreshed through it. And sometimes the refreshment starts with the other person showering love on us. (If you have expectations of your spouse, be sure to clearly communicate those and don't just assume they can read your mind.) But regardless, our source of joy and fulfillment is always the Lord, and through that knowledge you can love your spouse without the bitter resentment of "will I or won't I get anything out of this for myself?"

I am not advocating making yourself vulnerable to anyone and everyone. But to the one you promised your heart to when you said "I do"? Yes, I think it's very wise to make and keep yourself vulnerable to them.

It's interesting, in the process of what we think is protecting ourselves, putting our walls up, shutting our hearts off, we actually lose love. It's impossible to receive love when your heart is so closed. It's in the vulnerability, the open-ness, the pain of the processing of emotion that we experience love in its deepest form. There are Lady Antebellum lyrics that say "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all..." Now I wouldn't necessarily rather hurt, but when you open your heart to your husband or wife through the good and the bad, it's guaranteed that you won't "feel nothing at all" and you might just be awakened to a love like you've never known before in your marriage.

I am no marriage expert, I just like to share what I've learned along the way, and I love to be encouraged by other married women who are learning what living out a godly marriage looks like also. Would love to hear your thoughts or things you've learned in your marriage recently in the comments.

xoxo

50 shades

You guys... I know I am just another voice, another opinion in the endless sea of opinions out there. I wondered if I should say anything at all... I don't seek to cause confusion, I don't seek to condemn, I don't seek to spread judgement or hatred. But I do seek to spread clarity, to bring forth light, to speak the truth in love. And so with the hope that maybe my voice will bring clarity even if it's just to one person, I'll go ahead and weigh in on this crazy controversial topic.

50 Shades of Grey. Maybe you've read the book. Maybe you want to see the movie. Maybe you plan to hold a picket sign outside a theater. Maybe you know nothing at all on the topic. While I don't plan to hold a picket sign or shout from the rooftops "turn or burn!", I also can't remain silent to this monumental game-changer that is playing out in our culture. I mean, 100 million copies have sold. In fifty two languages. People are eating it up, people I know, and I can't just ignore it.

I haven't read the book. I don't plan to see the movie. I've read lots of articles on both and I've read wikipedia's description of the plot. What I see is the enemy of our souls being oh so sneaky. The main character is named Christian. Christian Grey. While it seems blatantly obvious to me that his very name is designed to subtly pull in those that erotic fiction has never had a hold on before, maybe it's not so obvious to all. We even have a feminine character with the name Anastasia Steele. Feminine and strong. What we all hope to be, right? Not mistakes or coincidence, purposeful manipulation to get you hooked at any chance. The implications of this book and the timing of its release are not arbitrary or random. In the war being waged against the human race by the father of lies himself, they are perfectly timed. I'll tell you why:

As women, have you ever been in a relationship that was emotionally or physically abusive before? How did it feel, having someone manipulate your feelings, control your actions, force you to do things that were degrading, embarrassing, or disgraceful? How did it feel to live in fear? Even worse, what did it do to your picture of love if the person being violent toward you was someone you thought you loved, or who you thought loved you? A deep well of hopelessness and depression is the result of being abused by someone who is supposed to care for you. It leaves you confused, desperate, broken, with little, if any, self-worth. It calls up a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Have you seen the movie Taken? (If you haven't seen that, you really, really should.) Kind of the other side of this whole coin. One that shows true love in stark contrast to the egocentric, manipulative, self-serving, hatred filled twist on sex that comes along with bondage and sex being bought and sold. In Taken, you see a father whose virgin daughter was ripped out of a european apartment, drugged, sold to the highest bidder, about to be raped by a disgusting man, and you see true love go into action, stopping at nothing to get her back, to set her free, to take her out of the grip of power-hungry ravagers who see a woman's body as a means to satisfy their own perverted and ravenous appetite. A father whose love is pure and genuine and REAL. Those girls, those children forced into a lifestyle of submission, fear, humiliation, bondage, hopelessness, death... those are the girls whose call is finally being heard as the voice begins to cry out to STOP HUMAN TRAFFICKING. We as the human race are finally beginning to step up to the plate and do something about this horrific injustice...

And then we have Mr. Gray step into the picture to muddy the waters. Suddenly we are swept along with his emotional affair and manipulation, wondering if maybe being beaten and controlled and dominated are equal to being loved and wanted. How is it so that the sly way this book is written has caused women everywhere to suddenly be enticed by the very life that those who are entrapped by it are trying desperately to escape? Oh, we have a sly enemy indeed. What good will we be in stopping the buying and selling of young children and women into a market of violent, twisted, rape and abuse as a way of life if we suddenly think that lifestyle looks appealing? Probably not much good. Not much good at all. What happens to a godly marriage when pornography is introduced? Does it feel good to have your husband thinking of another woman when he's making love to you? Does it feel good to know that you alone aren't enough to turn your husband on anymore? Does it feel good to think that you might be more appealing to your man if you give him permission to physically hurt you? There are lies that are believed by millions today... that you can somehow have a counterfeit, easy, fake sex life that replaces a true relationship between a man and a woman. NOTHING can replace it. And the lie that is being bought by so many doesn't just leave you empty and depressed and confused and disgusted, it ruins the real thing if you had it.

Soul ties are a real thing. Emotional abuse is a real thing. For whatever reason, this book, this movie, make emotional manipulation look like something to be desired. The darkness of this fantasy sweeps people along, their hearts pounding in a deadly rhythm... It takes you down a path that distorts your mind and makes you think that something that will eat your soul alive and leave you wounded and bleeding will actually give you a life that's "adventurous."

Guys, people believe that women who've read this book are learning new ways to experience intimacy in relationship. Pure craziness. Do you know what intimacy is? It's trust like few of us know anymore. It's being 100 % vulnerable and experiencing love, acceptance, and vulnerability in return. Can I just say that my husband is my hero? You won't find me sharing deep and personal things about our marriage publicly, but I want to testify that having a God-centered marriage is something you could write a best-seller about. The pure and real and raw and deep passion of a love that is holy and sacred and uplifting and values the other person and is based on a commitment  (not a contract) by both people... one that says, "regardless of where you are, I'm all in." One that says "I see you on your worst day, and still I choose to love you." One that says "I place your needs above my own, and I will stop at nothing to see that you know your immeasurable worth." Our marriage isn't perfect, but by God's un-ending grace and compassion toward us I have literally been changed from the inside out on this lifetime journey with my husband. I tell him all the time, IT ONLY GETS BETTER! Just when you think you've reached a mountain top that can't possibly be surpassed... you go to new heights you didn't know existed. But here's the real testimony: Even in the valleys that love is ever present. Love does not abandon. It does not bail out when times get hard. It always believes. It always trusts. It keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn't manipulate or control. It always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

So when you feel the hot breath from the turn of each page of a book like 50 shades, when you feel the trembling and the rush of standing on the edge of that dark cliff, that high that comes just before you fall, the inner chills of messing with darkness and thinking it's powerless over you, only to find yourself falling and terrified, imagine the high of standing on a mountain top and watching the sun come up. The soft, cool whisper of the early morning breeze, the first light streaking the horizon, then that brilliant, dependable ball of fire coming blazing up out of nowhere, lighting the entire world in its magnificence. Imagine the rush of spreading your arms wide and soaking in the sunlight from a height that doesn't threaten the fall, but is only filled with beauty. And imagine the warm quaking inside, the awakening of a love that grows a smile from the soles of your feet to the creases on your face... a love that makes you laugh. A love that brings with it incredible freedom. True freedom. Please. Please choose the sunrise. Choose light and not darkness to give you that rush. Choose the source of life. Don't be sucked in by the manipulative message of 50 shades of gray.

Stats aren't always the most powerful tool to convey a message, but the stats related to reading this book are incredibly alarming. This is a direct quote from wikipedia's description of this book: "A second study in 2014 was conducted to examine the health of women who had read the series, compared to a control group that had never read any part of the novels. The results showed a correlation between having read at least the first book and exhibiting signs of an eating disorder, having romantic partners that were emotionally abusive and/or engaged in stalking behavior, engaging in binge drinking in the last month, and having 5 or more sexual partners before age 24. The authors could not conclude whether women already experiencing these problems were drawn to the series, or if the series influenced these behaviors to occur after reading by creating underlying context. The study's lead researcher contends that the books romanticize dangerous behavior and "perpetuate dangerous abuse standards."

If you have friends who have read the book or are planning on seeing the movie, or if that's you, I encourage you to reconsider. What is motivating you to see it? Will it have a healthy affect on your life, or a harmful affect?  I urge you to know your worth, to see what this movie stands for and the far-reaching affects it has on those who have read it or accept it's behaviors as normal, and to not allow it access to your life. Don't be taken in, there is absolutely no "real love" portrayed in it's story. It is a cleverly disguised impostor. One that will leave you broken and hurting. 

The best news ever is that Jesus comes to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim release to the prisoners, and to shine light and that which has been hidden in darkness. If you are hurt or broken or allowing things in your life right now because someone told you that abuse is actually love, Jesus wants to set you free. You are not alone, you are loved, you are worth more to Him that I can ever say, and He will stop at nothing to see you free, to see you redeemed, to see you healed and whole and knowing your immeasurable worth. 

"Baby, you matter."

Last night after our three little boys were all changed into their jammies with teeth brushed, stories read, stuffed puppies in the crooks of their arms and tucked under covers in one room, and wrapped in a fleecey blanket and laid gently in a crib in the other room, Shaun and I had a date. One of our goals this year is a monthly date night, last night was to be it, it snowed, so our date was staying up late watching a movie together. We watched October Baby. If you haven't seen it, you should.

It left my heart wide open and feeling such deep things last night. I wanted to write then, but Jaden roused from his sleep, his little wimpers called for me, and so I spent the time that would've been given to writing snuggled together nursing him back to sleep between the flannel sheets of our bed. I held him and I stayed in that place of awareness so strong it's almost tangible.

The movie is about a girl who finds out at age 19 that her parents are not her biological parents, and that she was the result of a failed abortion attempt and was born at 24 weeks gestation. Without knowing anything about the way her life began until 19 years of age, she was deeply, deeply affected by the way she came into the world. Feelings of being unwanted, feelings of thinking she should have been dead, feelings like she was drowning, anxiety, nightmares, etc were part of her daily life only she didn't know why. All that to say, my thoughts turned to the way our childhoods affect us, even the parts we can't remember or may never know about. And that thought of course led to the way I love my boys, the way their childhoods will one day be part of who they become.

You know, it's so easy to be selfish. Just this past week I kept thinking how I am so over Jaden waking in the night still (he's 15 months) and how desperately I just want a full nights sleep. That's just one example, there are so many more moments of thinking selfish thoughts in motherhood. But last night my brain did a 180. Oh my goodness, to put selfishness to death in me. To pour out for them. To be alive to serve. To be alive to love. To give until it hurts. To have them know they are wanted. To make sure they know they matter. To see the way they react to their emotions in their immaturity, and instead of being angry, instead of dismissing their feelings, to get down there on their level and tell them that what they feel matters to me. No matter how immature. And then, because you love them so, teach them that although what they are feeling is the very rhythm that causes your heart to beat, you love them so much that you want them to learn to live a life that is not dictated by their feelings, but by their relationship with Jesus. To teach them to take those emotions to the Father that created them, to sort them out while sitting in His lap, and to listen to His voice that will tell them where to go from there.
And I held Jaden there against me and his sweet baby presence was worth far more than those twenty minutes of sleep I was missing. The tears slipped down, I kissed his soft blonde head over and over, and I vowed to make sure, absolutely sure, that my boys know how much they matter to me.

On Living in the Tension

"There is almost no such thing as ready, there is only now. It's time to start living."

(source unknown)

 

 

On the way home from a church leadership dinner last night Shaun and I held hands while we drove the cold dark roads home. And we talked.

And a profound thing came out of our conversation. I know for a fact we were not made to live or be motivated by fear. But we were made to live and be motivated by love.

What would happen if we were able to live in the tension of being conscious that we are not promised tomorrow with our loved ones? That tension where you are not living in a state of fearfulness, but in a state of deep and profound gratefulness for the moment you're in.

How would that change the way we love, the way we serve, the way we express that deep well of love for another that exists always but is often not tapped into?

 

The path we are called to walk is a straight and narrow one. It feels like a tightrope often, probably looks like one from the outside too. But the balancing act isn't one that's done alone, arms out stretched, desperately swaying side to side, scared to death we'll fall into oblivion. It is one done with one arm stretched straight upward, hanging onto our Father's hand reaching down toward us, keeping us steady, coaxing us onward, His voice reminding us, "don't worry what's to the right or the left, just keep your eyes on me, I will get you there safe." And the other arm flung out with complete abandon, worshipping, feeling the wind between our fingers, soaking in this beautiful life around us, resting alongside the faces of the ones we love, looking into their eyes, telling them we love them, meaning it with our whole hearts.

 

I want to live in the tension.

 

 

Rest & Create

As this year began and I was coming out of a season of busy where pretty much every minute had something assigned to it and there wasn't much margin for error I was so excited for the breathing room of giving space to my dreams. My words for this season are "rest" and "create." I want to be intentional about setting aside time to just rest. This doesn't mean excess sleep for me these days.... sometimes when you have a baby who is up sick all night and you finally fall asleep at 6:00 a.m. only to be woken up by the needs of your other two at 8:00 a.m. you can either stress over lack of sleep and the fact that you are exhausted or you can remember that your word is rest, and so after breakfast is made you leave the dishes, you put on a movie, and you get cozy in blankets with your babes and snuggle together until almost lunch time. This is rest for me.

And then sometimes you carve out space for rest and it looks like going into the basement, finding your leftover gallon and a half of gray paint and a paint brush and starting to paint your kitchen like you've wanted to do for years. And the painting takes you five days at a relaxed pace (and the stairwell still isn't done but that's ok because you're looking at the progress instead of what's left to do still) and you realize that giving yourself permission to rest awakens energy and creativity and sometimes you get more done than you would have if you were pushing yourself. Turns out creating is also rest for me.

So far resting has been such an amazing paradox. It is finding what makes my soul come alive and simply responding to it. It is leaving my calendar somewhat clear, not scheduling every second, and it feels like space to breathe. It is refreshing and energizing. Sometimes it looks like not worrying about what time I have to wake up, actually watching a movie and staying up until midnight (last night!) and sometimes it looks like staying on my routine to the letter, keeping all the dishes washed, the laundry done, the house picked up... It is extending grace and giving myself permission to fully live in the things that awaken my passion. Energy and fulfillment are by-products of living a life of passion. Deadlines, un-flexible schedules, and graceless-ness are passion killers for me. Not that deadlines and structure are bad things, but I can't look too far ahead or I get overwhelmed. And so as we begin this year those two words, rest and create, have guided many of my goals.

As we approached this year while I was still in my season of busy I would jokingly say that I was going to sleep the month of january, clean my house the month of february, and spend as much time with the Lord and my boys as possible, and beyond that I had no idea. Shaun and I had a really fun conversation one evening about our goals in our relationship with each other and as a family. It's been fun refining and categorizing the things I hope to do, the changes I hope to make.

Here's my rough list of goals for this year. There are more, but these are the basics.

Spiritual

Bible Study
chronological Bible reading
be optimistic, express gratitude at every opportunity

Marriage

Monthly Date Night

Continue to keep myself vulnerable
serve Shaun without expectation, out of genuine love

Family

Dinner time (boys stay at table til we're all done, talk about our days, ask to be excused, take their dishes to the sink)

Devotional time all together before bed

teach my kids the fruit of the spirit
give the boys jobs that teach them how to serve each other and our family

House

Kitchen Cabinets & walls
gallery wall in family room
paint basement office
continue progress in master bedroom
purge/re-organize/take care of what we already have
keep working toward our "dream" 

Photography

create a website 

Physical 

give running a try (starting in march)
better posture

So many of these things I have already started, some I have even finished, some I am intimidated by, some I haven't begun yet at all, but I know that I want to continue to grow as a person, and something that seems hard just because I've never done it before I might look back on someday and think it was easy. The best way to stretch yourself beyond where you are at is to do something you think is impossible or crazy. Then when you go back to normal life it suddenly seems much easier than before. 

Matron of Honor Speech for my baby sister's wedding

A lot of you probably already know Randi & Nate's connection and how they met... It's a pretty cool story, cause he lived in Virginia, she lived in Pa, but their moms had been room mates in college so they knew each other as kids, then reconnected as adults.
But I would bet that most of you don't know my husband Shaun's connection to Nate, and it's an equally, if not even cooler story that just totally proves that Nate and Randi were meant to be.... You see my husband's mom's best friend's brother's daughter was Nate's childhood babysitter.... See? They were OBVIOUSLY meant to be.

No but in all seriousness, I just need to tell you a few stories that really give testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness in Randi & Nate's lives. Randi has always wanted to get married, and to have a family. That is her dream. But there was this problem that always stood in her way. Every time she would be about to go on a date with someone she'd be getting ready, putting on her make up or blow drying her hair, and all of the sudden she'd be about to throw up. We called it the pre-date sickness. Whoever he was would show up at the door, and Randi would beg my mom to go tell him she couldn't go, and make him leave. Of course, trying to help her realize the dream, we would force her out the door. Then she'd go on the date, and she'd come home, and whoever he was would not get another chance. Either he wasn't tall enough, or he didn't love the Lord, or he was too unstable, or he wore dirty white shoes, or he would show up to her basketball game without being invited, or he didn't wash his car, or he would try to hold her hand without knowing her well enough, or he would come on too strong and call her the next day... All very valid reasons not to get a second date, right? Somewhat hopelessly my mom and I would joke that we would know when the right guy came along if she didn't feel sick at the thought of going on a date with him.

So when I asked Randi in the fall of 2012 if there was anyone she could ever picture at the end of the aisle, and she said "I thought maybe Nate", I started wracking my brain going back through all the dates and trying to remember which one was Nate. I finally said, "Nate who??" And she said "Nate Rhoad, we've never gone on a date but I thought I could picture him at the end of the aisle." Woah! However, I knew in order for this to ever be a reality Nate would have to pursue her, and she would never even give him a hint she was interested unless he started pursuing her, and as of then they lived 5 hours apart and had only seen each other once since they were kids. So God would really need to do his thing. I just kind of tucked that random conversation away, and it was the perfect one to pull back out for today. :)

A few months later, winter of 2013, a lot of Randi's friends were in serious relationships or getting engaged, and Randi still hadn't gone on a date that didn't make her want to throw up. But her attitude in that season is what really stands out to me. Shaun was on a business trip, and I took my boys and spent the night at my parents house, and I remember Randi telling me that night how all she really needed was just to be happy for her friends as they found their future husbands, and to just find joy in watching their dreams unfold. No jealousy, no bitterness, just one hundred percent rejoicing with her friends as her dream played out in their lives. It was the most amazing and beautiful thing. I remember feeling so incredibly proud of her in that moment.

Fast forward a few months more, to April of 2013. Randi got an invitation to Virginia Beach. From Nate. And she went. AND SHE DIDN'T FEEL SICK EVEN ON THE FIVE HOUR DRIVE TO GET THERE!!! I mean, this was a big deal. My mom and I were ecstatically hopeful, but trying not to be too obvious in order not to scare Randi with our excitement. And when Randi and my parents left to come home after that first weekend, Nate hugged her and told her to keep in touch. And Randi got in the car and as soon as they were out of the driveway she exploded to my parents "Keep in touch??! What does that mean??!" Within an hour and half though Nate texted her for the first time. She was every bit as ecstatic as my mom and I hoped she would be. Days later they had their first phone conversation, and weeks later their first Skype chat. Nate never came on too strong, never scared Randi away, but consistently and gently pursued her, and every.single.event. of their relationship was a huge milestone. I'm fairly certain he always wears clean shoes and washes his car too, but I know for a fact that even if he didn't it wouldn't change the way Randi feels about him. By the second time Randi went to visit, Nate said he knew he wanted to marry her. And I have been one of the privileged who got a front row seat to watching my baby sister's dreams unfold more beautifully than she could have ever imagined.

And even though these past 10 months since my best friend moved away have been so, so hard, I wouldn't change a single thing if it means she gets to be with Nate. Because they are so very clearly meant for each other, and their faithfulness to the Lord and to each other is a blessing to everyone they know. Randi- I could not be anymore proud of you, or any happier for you. Your patience and steadfastness brought you to this point, and you deserve every bit of it. Nate- I seriously couldn't imagine a better guy for my sister. I admire your love for the Lord, your authenticity, and your integrity. We are so excited to have you become part of our family today.

To Nate & Randi

Party Planning

Sometimes you plan and you plan and you plan for a party. And then it's here. And then it's over way too fast. All that planning and prep work is really not worth a ton if you don't purposefully enjoy the party while it's going on. It's easy to be stressed, hoping things are going seamlessly, wondering if everyone is enjoying themselves...

The best way to make sure your guests enjoy themselves is to make sure YOU enjoy yourself. A stressed out hostess can shift the whole atmosphere. Really, there's nothing to stress about. What gets done gets done, what doesn't, only you know. Things might go a little different than you envisioned, there might be some mishaps, but those are the things memories are made from.

Tomorrow is Jaden's first birthday party. I've got a lot to do today... Including baking three batches of muffins, 2 quiches, his first birthday cake, cleaning the whole house and the back porch, and some more decorating. But I will not let that stress me out, I not only want to enjoy the party tomorrow, but the process today. And if some things don't get done, that's ok. I've got my list of priorities. :)

I'll be back tomorrow sharing photos!! :)

[This is part of a 31 day series on being present in the moment]

My Favorite Moment from my baby brother's wedding day

There are so many great moments that stand out from yesterday... From the first time the emotion of it all hit me as I watched my brother's face while Mary walked down the aisle and then singing Phil Wickham's song "beautiful" during worship... To watching Mary slow dance with her brother, who gave her away and is also in the military, to a song that seemed like it was written about them (called "that's what brothers are for") Mary was holding onto him with her face buried in his uniform, and her shoulders were shaking as they slow-turned around and around and both felt the gravity of the moment and the depth of their big-brother little-sister relationship... To slow dancing with Drew on the dance floor as the night got chilly and the tent lights were shining in my parents' backyard... Even that moment when all us girls were getting ready upstairs at my parents house in the morning when all of this sudden this unknown source of loud music came blasting through the house and we found my dad down in his office practicing the wabble dance... :) 

But my favorite moment was early in the day. I was bringing my stuff into my parents house where I would do Mary's hair... My brother was just leaving to go get ready elsewhere after stopping in for a cup of coffee. And it was just me and him in the driveway, it was still misty and gray outside, and he was still my little brother, and I was just his big sister. And I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. And that I was so proud of him. And I hugged him. And then he walked down the driveway to go get ready for the biggest day of his life. 

And that was my most favorite moment from yesterday.

On creating moments, finding moments, and choosing joy

I love to create moments. I light candles, I play music, I cook a good dinner, I try to intentionally be someone my family wants to be around (not saying I always succeed at that though!) I love planning date nights, going new places, trying new things, a good conversation topic, going deep and really understanding and knowing the people I love. I love to laugh, and I love planning parties. Those are all ways I try to create an atmosphere that is set up for quality time, peace and relaxation, and wonderful memories down the road.

Then there are times when moments just happen, all by themselves. There is nothing really that you did, it just happened spontaneously. These are actually my favorite. They require no planning, they just ask you to show up. All they need ask for is a little extra sensitivity to notice them when they're unfolding. My favorite recent moment like this that stands out in my mind was from about a week or two ago. The movie Secretariat was on (it's my boys favorite right now, so it's on all the time, and that's nothing new...) But it was after dinner, and we were all down in our family room together, and when this one song (you should totally turn it on and listen to it!!) came on in the movie we all ended up getting up and having a little family dance party together... Even Jaden was in our arms and we were spinning and dipping and "shaking our butts" as Isaiah says... him and Drew both have got some moves, I tell you! I don't know where they get that from... ha! But oh my goodness, what a fun, spontaneous moment laughing and playing with our kids... the five of us and our goofy dance moves, singing and bumping into each other while watching a movie we've watched at least 20 times before.

And sometimes, despite our best efforts to create moments, they don't go as planned. The night before Drew's first day of school I had lit candles, made this wonderful dinner, set the table, and thought we would have a nice dinner together and then give the boys baths, lay out their clothes and get ready for the next morning. Well.... let's just say it went nothing like I planned. Right as we sat down together Drew told me he didn't feel well. About two seconds later he threw up on the floor. Less than one minute after that Jaden exploded his diaper in the high chair next to me. And about 30 seconds after that Shaun ran upstairs sick. So Shaun was upstairs, Drew was in the downstairs bathroom throwing up, I was upstairs stripping Jaden down and trying to get him cleaned up, and Isaiah was feasting on a chicken, potatoes, carrots and fresh baked bread dinner, basking in the glow of candle light all by himself. By the time I got to eat my food was cold, and I only took a few bites before transferring all the uneaten dinner off of the pretty platters and into tupperware containers to put in the fridge. All I could do was laugh at the drastic difference between what I thought our night would look like and how it actually looked. (That's where finding humor in the moment is my saving grace!) But choosing joy despite our circumstances and whether or not moments play out the way we think they will is essential between creating a life we look back and smile on or a life we look back and wish we would have lived differently.

[This post is part of a 31 day series on being present in the moment]

Knowing your creative moments

I am in a season of busy. A season of fun, unforgettable, wonderful (and also slightly stressful) busy. I am having to learn to know myself. What I can handle. What I need to say no to. When and how to tap into my creativity and use it to its fullest potential. I've been planning multiple parties at once, working so hard on photography, taking on this challenge of writing for 31 days straight, and balancing it all with the rest of real life. (You know, being a mom, a wife, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, making our home a place we enjoy being.)

Shaun and I had a talk that started out as a fight (all my fault that it began that way) where he asked me in my ideal world what would working from home look like for me. (Up to this point it has looked like either staying up way late (like one or two in the morning) after my kids are asleep to edit and missing out on my time with Shaun then starting out the next day exhausted, or trying to work in the morning while all three kids are awake and having needs and I'm getting interrupted constantly and getting very frustrated at how things take two or three times as long as they should when working that way.) So I told him. "It looks like one morning a week where I have a few hours of peace and no one else needing me while I work." I thought it was a crazy, unreachable, unrealistic dream. Mornings are when I feel the most alert, the most creative, but it's also when he is at work every day. But he replied, "Ok, Tuesday mornings I'm taking off work and you'll have three hours to yourself." Oh. My. Gosh. This is unbelievable. Yesterday was the first morning this happened. It was heaven. The whole week leading up to it every time I almost darted down to my office to squeeze in a few minutes of work I stopped myself and remembered, that's what Tuesday morning is for. So my creative moments photography wise now have a home, a place of their very own. It's so good.

On another note, if you know me, then you know I enjoy fashion, and love to put together new combinations of clothes when picking out my outfits. However, in the morning, when I am in a time crunch and trying to dress and feed my three children and get somewhere on time too is not when I feel the most inspired to choose my own clothes. I always clean my closet and switch out my clothes in the spring and the fall, so a few weeks ago when I did the fall clean out and was feeling all kinds of inspired, I made a list of outfits that would be fun to wear in the fall season. Sunday morning we were rushing to get out the door, Shaun and I were speaking at church and I was trying to take care of the boys and last minute thoughts and only ended up with about 10 minutes to get myself ready. My hair was still in a braid from the day before, so I just pulled it half back, looked at my list, picked an outfit from it and was out the door and in the car in record time. Boy was I thankful for that list.

Sweater: Express

Dark Jeggings: AE

Brown boots: Steve Madden

Necklace and Earrings: J. Crew Outlet

Know your creative moments, make space for them, listen to them, write them down, and use them to your advantage.

[This post is part of a 31 day series on being present in the moment]

On being a photographer

I LOVE the creative process when preparing for a shoot. I love the back and forth with my clients, the brainstorming, creating a vision in my mind that is yet to exist, that I've never seen before. And while going into a shoot with vision is essential, you need to leave room for the organic process of the shoot itself to unfold. You need to leave space for real life.

I usually start my sessions by telling whoever I'm working with that, while my end goal is for them to love the photos they come away with, the current goal is for them to enjoy the process. I want them to feel at ease, comfortable, and to genuinely have a good time. (Especially true for families with young kids. I view it as a memory making time.) If that happens, then you can't help but come away with amazing images. When the emotion is real, the "posing" not really posed, that is when the photos truly evoke a response from the viewer.

So while doing a session, as much as I want the original vision to play out, I am constantly on the look-out for the "moments" that are happening around me. That quick kiss between mother and child. The cute and intimate smile between mom and dad as they watch their kids play. That real laugh that bursts out of the senior girl as we talk or joke. Learning to be focused on the interactions that play out around me as much, or sometimes even more so, than on the original vision for the shoot has helped me so much. I have so many favorite moments that I've captured that I would never have been able to dream up had I tried. Today I thought I'd to share a few:

I learned so much about this concept during my brother and sister in law's engagement photos back in 2012. They basically "went on a date" with just minimal instruction from me, and we used light and their love to create some really amazing photos. 

Above: The Maska family. This moment happened when they were all sitting in the grass together tickling their boys. 
 

 The Hartman Family. Trust me, this moment was not posed or planned, and happened in the midst of hysterical laughter and what probably looked like chaos. :)

 The Murray Family. One of my favorite photos of all time. Shirley's two boys were playing, and I was taking pictures of them. Then I glanced to my right and saw Shirley standing there, just watching her boys. This image is the essence of motherhood to me. 

My Drew bug on his 4th birthday. Watching airplanes take off just as the wind blew and tossled his hair. 

Autumn's Senior photos. Taking pictures of her in the water when her puppy Journey broke free from his leash and ran down to the water jumping all over her. And this happened in the midst of it. 

And if you have already seen my sister's engagement photos, you know they're full of all-kinda amazing moments.

These are just a random few... But there are real-life photos like this in every session I do. This is my passion and privilege, capturing the beauty in a fraction of a second for my clients. Freezing it forever to always be a reminder of the amazing love in your life and the beautiful relationships you hold most dear.

[This post is part of a thirty one day series on being present in the moment.]