2012. The year I went from the innocence and naivete of a protected life into the unprotected world of heartache. And yet so very protected, because He is with me always.
My best friend's father-in-law died from brain cancer at the end of 2011. It still is unfathomable to me. He was so young, had little bitty grandbabies that will grow up without him. Tragedy will change you. In tragedy you can either press in Jesus or turn from him.
In March of 2012 I lost my cousin Ian. He was amazing in so many ways, seriously. The best of the best at everything he ever did. Swimming, singing, drawing... graduate of West Point. He was two years older than me and I looked up to him in so many ways. He was an attack helicopter pilot in Afghanistan. He came home, trying to return to normal, and like so many of our soldiers, struggled with depression. When he couldn't get the help he needed, he took his own life. The last thing that we know he wrote several days before was "I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, and God is still sovereign over my life." I'll never forget the morning I woke up and found out. I know I'll see him again. But it seems impossible that this is the new reality for our family.
Shortly after Ian died the mother of a childhood friend of mine, who I grew up in the same neighborhood with and had many sleepovers at their house, was diagnosed with cancer and passed away within weeks of the diagnosis. As I left her funeral and the utter devastation of her loved ones I felt like my heart couldn't take anymore. I rode home with my parents and I remember saying to them that the protective bubble I had been in as a child was gone. And I hoped I didn't have to wear the dress I was in to anything else for a long, long time. It was so very clear to me that Jesus is the ONLY thing we can cling to, the one constant, the one promise in life that is sure.
In July my world was rocked again. I can't go into detail, but in one weekend several things came to light that left my head and heart reeling and feeling like everything I ever knew for sure was suddenly unstable. I learned about forgiveness in a way I never have before. I had to put into practice things I'd learned, talked about, but never truly been challenged with living out. I have seen God's redemptive power and the way he uses yielded, forgiving hearts to change lives.
The next thing God did in me is to uncover things in my heart I didn't even know were there. I never realized it before, but I had never in my life looked only to God for my affirmation. There were other places that mattered so very, very much to me. And in the past I had never acted without that affirmation and endorsement. I inadvertently sought after other approval and praise, more so than I sought the approval of the lover of my heart, my Jesus. He now sits fully and unchallenged in the throne of my heart, the Only One I seek to please. It took a willful shift of my thoughts and emotions to change the status quo in my life, and it continues to be a challenge for me. But one that is so worthwhile. And in a way I can't explain I now love those who I used to seek affirmation from in a much more real way, because now I am loving them not for what they can give me, I am simply loving without condition.
Besides those big things, 2012 taught me to be a more giving person. To try to share more. I am clearing our house of excess so that other's who could really use the things we have that are collecting dust will be blessed by them.
Shaun and I have never grown more in our marriage than we did this year. Our five year anniversary was a huge milestone for us . We are connected and one more than ever before. The challenges we faced this year only brought us closer, made us love more intensely, live more in the moment.
This blog is meant to be an encouraging place. I know I just shared a lot of yucky stuff. But as I thought through each piece this morning I realized what it was that made me cry in the song from the night before. NOT FOR A MOMENT. Did He forsake me.
NOT FOR A MOMENT.
The love I have for my Jesus cannot be contained in my heart. It is literally bursting out of me. I wear my heart on my sleeve for Him. He is so. very. faithful. Faithful to the end. Faithful to my heart. Lover of my soul. Carrying me through. Refining me. Jesus I want less of me, more of you, less of me, more of you. Empty me of myself, fill me with you.
I am not in any way trying to make my life look difficult or dramatic. (Maybe I have no right to be so impacted the way I was by each situation that I shared... all I know is that He worked in my heart through each of them.) I am thankful and blessed to be exactly where I am today. What I am trying to do is proclaim to the heavens that our God is good. That He is a redeemer. That He works all things for good for those who love Him. That He is the most loving and faithful friend you could ever ask for. And because of that I pray that this very real and raw post will be encouraging to you.
Below are the lyrics to the song from last night. And at the end is a link if you want to listen to it.
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Chorus:
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Chorus:
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my heart at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
Chorus:
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a Moment
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